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Ranting and Raving

Geez, what a dismal day it’s been. Both of us are too tired and grumpy to feel up to making something to eat, so we’re just sort of being dreary at each other, pouting because nothing’s fun and out of sorts because nothing’s open.

It’s been creepily silent all day, too, as if everyone else in the universe has disappeared completely and we’re the only ones left. Which wouldn’t normally bother us, but today it’s just one more dreary blah yuckiness and neither of us seem to be able to get out of this dumb funk.

Last night was weird too — both of us had had unproductive, unmotivated days and were fully expecting that the other person had had a wonderful day, which wasn’t true for either of us. And Todd was really missing Sean — after hearing all day about everyone else’s plans for the four day weekend with their families, he felt awful that he couldn’t spend the time he has off work with Sean visiting us here. And because he was on a totally different track than I was, wanting to spend time with Sean while the thought hadn’t even occurred to me, we ended up having a crab at each other. And in retrospect the whole thing got really funny, at one point I was ranting away — not even saying things that I cared about, just going on and on because I’d started and dammit, I was going to Make My Point, and Todd couldn’t help it, he started to laugh, which of course made me want to laugh too, but I didn’t because I was too busy ranting. He was nerve-wracked because I was yelling, which neither of us ever do.

Kitey was, I think, kind of gaggified by the fact that we never yell, because I think to her it was a kind of oh, right, restrain your feelings and don’t be free with them, but it isn’t that sort of thing at all. It’s about both of us having grown up in households where yelling meant that bad things were happening, and yelling just scares both of us. It’s a very powerful thing. So we just made a conscious choice really early on to not yell at each other, and it’s been easy. We haven’t ever felt like we’d have been able to say something more effectively by yelling than by just saying it in a normal voice.

So, blech, eventually we got over ourselves and Todd admitted that holidays are hard for him because he especially misses Sean and we ended up having a great night after all. (Hmm…I guess I left something important out: the only way Sean can come to visit us is if Todd calls up his father and lies through his teeth and says, basically, “Oh, well, I like you after all,” which Todd isn’t willing to do, and isn’t it sad that his father, knowing that that was a lie, would accept it?) Today I watched Sorrento Beach, which we’d rented last night which is set in Australia and while it was an interesting movie, mostly I was fascinated because of Sherlyn and spent much of the movie thinking how different Australia is, how strange it is that people who even speak the same language can have so many differences, that even the smallest things seemed exotic. And what’s attractive about accents, I wonder? I must admit to admiring accents, and really, what are they? A different way of saying any given word.

Eeek, time to go to dinner — we’re going to try our favorite Indian restaurant and see if we can’t ground (i.e. see people, connect with the rest of the world) and feel better. Also have some coffee, of which there isn’t any in the house at the moment. Todd finished taking his shower and was being traigic upstairs so I went to see him and he said, “Remember the Peanuts special with the spelling bee?” which we’d both seen as kids, and I said yup, and he said, “I feel like Linus looked when he couldn’t find his blankie without my coffee.”

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