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Uninspiring Worry

I did write up a journal entry yesterday, but DFW was down all day so I couldn’t put it up. Which was frustrating because, as we all know, I get crabby when my routine is screwed with, so I ended up being out of sorts for much of the day yesterday.

Woke up at three o’clock in the morning and was freezing, I’d been dreaming that I was a big important business executive and just couldn’t understand why I was cold because, after all, surely big important business executives don’t have these sorts of problems. So when I did wake up I thought that Todd was hogging all the covers, but it turned out that Karma was actually the one doing it, and we were both freezing. It’s an ongoing mystery, we fall asleep perfectly cozy with Karma lying by our feet and wake up cold, he’s lying near our feet but we can barely see him in the mountain of blanket he’s collected around himself. So I woke Todd up, I don’t remember why, and we went upstairs and went to the bathroom, then came back downstairs and Karma had given up some of the blankets so we could be at least comfortable. I lay there for half an hour trying to get back to sleep and just couldn’t. I felt crabby and dreary and sad for no reason that I could pinpoint, except that I haven’t felt very inspired about anything for about a week and a half.

And I don’t doubt that a huge part of the problem is that one day a week and a half ago I felt uninspired and then worried about it, so that now I wouldn’t know an inspired feeling if it snuck up on me in the middle of the night and stole all of the blankets, if you see my point. I tried all the tricks I know to fall asleep, including thinking about sex (I know, I know, it’s very weird and no one believes me, but it works) and counting, neither of which helped, and finally sighed and got out of bed and turned on the computer. I can usually catch both Sherlyn and Damon on IRC between three and four in the morning, because they’re in wildly different time zones, and they were both there as well as Laurel, which was nice. I checked email and found this message that completely pissed me off.

This was email from the same person who read my journal entry about the creepy guy who was sitting in the car doing jack-shit while the woman he was at the laundromat with was inside doing all the work folding the laundry, anyway, this person wrote a defensive letter about how they always folded their laundry and detailed the reasons why. And I wrote back saying, “Er, I think you missed my point. I wasn’t casting aspersions on people who fold their laundry, I was casting aspersions on people who sit out in the car like the lazy jerks they are while other people fold their laundry for them.” So anyway, this same person wrote again telling me all about why murdering deer is “really fine” because of “overpopulation problems” so I replied telling them about the birth control methods for deer that are being used with great success and asked also if they supported slaughtering all children who can be labeled a part of the overpopulation problem.

So then I grumped around on IRC and was generally not much fun to be around (sorry about that, guys) and then was too cold to sit in the computer room anymore and logged out. Lay in bed for another few hours, hearing the dog that the troglodyte neighbors have barking and wondering if he was outside in the backyard while it was snowing and not knowing what to do. In the end, I didn’t go and look because I knew how angry I’d be if in fact the dog was out there and didn’t know what to do. Sigh.

The alarm went off at five and Todd reset it for five thirty, and I instantly fell asleep, who knows why. Woke up enough to give Todd a hug before he left and then woke up around nine, started painting the purple room. Yesterday I went in and cleaned up all of the purple paint that was on the floor — when I painted this room last…what, last summer, I think? — I was impatient and just wanted to get it over with, basically change it from the way it looked because anything was going to look better (I mean, the people who lived here before thought that it would look fabulous to put dark panelling on two of the walls and blue wallpaper speckled with gold flecks on the other two walls, it was a depressing room) than what was already there. It turns out that panelling can look great when it’s painted over, it’s just a pain in the ass because you have to get into the cracks between the “boards”. Anyway, I was really impatient last time and got a lot of paint spatters on the floor, so I listened to two soap operas on the one tv channel the radio gets (I confess: I watched soap operas on a different network for years and years, part of what was boring is that it was a different network and different shows), it was boring but the other options for talk radio were Rush Limbaugh and a show entirely about money which consists basically of a husband and wife team who are very rich telling other rich people how to invest their trillions, so you can see how the soap operas were the lesser evil.

When I had all of the paint up I came downstairs and read for awhile, made myself dinner and Sarah called, she was really surprised that I’d actually answered the phone. (The computer interferes with the farther away radio channels so if I want to listen to it for any length of time I have to log out and turn the computer off). We talked for awhile, I told her all about the saga of the bed and breakfast people, she told me what’s been going on in her life, it looks like things might be taking a turn for the better, that she and this person she’s been with may be getting back together — happily, she’s still looking for her own house, which I’m really glad about. It looks like getting off that antidepressant really really helped her to think more clearly about everything in her life. At that point I still thought that Todd might be gone for the weekend, so we decided to do the X-Files on Friday night whether or not he did go, and I’m looking forward to spending time with her. Turns out that Todd doesn’t have to leave on the weekend but is going during next week instead, which was a relief for both of us.

When Todd got home we hung out together, around nine he lay down on the bed and I started to read the Tanith Lee book — he and Claire cuddled up together and fell asleep. It was really sweet.

I’m just in one of those funks that is self-perpetuating. I’m uninspired. I’m worried because I’m uninspired. I’m worried because I’m worried that I’m uninspired. And so on and so forth. I’ll get over myself.

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