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Push My Buttons, Babydoll

Yesterday I broke the computer. I’d finished recording myself reading Hail for the Queen aloud and started up the Real Audio encoder and suddenly everything … started . . . to . . . . go . . . . . very . . . . . . . . . slowly.

Not worried, I exited Windows and restarted the computer. Not only was it still going slowly, it took three times as long as it usually does to get from the moment it was turned on to the moment that Windows started itself up and I was able to use the mouse. After trying everything I could think of, including the possibility that it was a virus, I felt tremendously frustrated and in the interests of not smashing it to bits I went and made (everybody all together now) red beans and rice, then tried it again. If anything it seemed worse.

Calmly (ahem) I put Yentl into the VCR and sat down to work on the liner for my latest crocheted bag. I sat on the futon and willed myself not to get up and keep trying to convince the computer to work and for the most part I managed it. After listening to the song “Papa, Can You Hear Me?” seven times in a row, sniffling and singing along, my teeth unclenched and my shoulders went back down to their normal level, and when I realized that Mandy Patinkin was playing the male lead I really cheered up.

When Todd got home the first thing he said was, “How was your day, sweetie?” and I said mournfully through my now-unclenched teeth, “The computer’s broken.” He sat down in front of it and asked what I’d tried, and I went back to working on the bag liner while he muttered to himself and buzzed around with the mouse figuring it out. Then he started to chuckle. “Um, can you look at the screen and tell me if it’s working all right now?” I looked and it was zooming along beautifully. “What was it?” I asked, expecting something I could blame on those evil Microsoft people. He pointed to the big huge button, right on the front labeled:

TURBO

and said, “The top bit of your clipboard pushed this button and it was in non-turbo mode.” I may never hear the end of this one…

I am not pleasant to talk to when I first wake up. I’m lucky if I can string coherent sentences together, and if I don’t have a scowl on my face it means I’m awake enough yet to arrange my face muscles into the proper morning scowl. Todd, on the other hand, is monumentally cheerful. What did I wake up to this morning? “It’s mor-ning, it’s mor-ning, it’s better than bad, it’s good! Everyone likes a Sage, everyone’s favorite friend…” sung to the tune of the Slinky tv ad, better known as “It’s Log” from Ren & Stimpy. How did I get lucky enough to find this sweet man, and what in the world does he see in me?

© 1996 QN Podcast (formerly Quirky Nomads).