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Big News

Submitted entry: [Todd wrote this entry in October of 2005, after lamenting his inability to read journal entries from 1997 to 1998.]

This is one of those entries that I’m not entirely sure how to write. I have big news but it feels weird to just jump in and say it but it also feels stilted and weird to beat around the bush. Okay, I’ve decided - I’ll just jump right in and say it. Sage and I are going to be parents at about the end of August. Surprised? I imagine you are more than we are since out of superstition (and perhaps a little sense of privacy) we didn’t let anyone in on the fact that Sage and I were trying to conceive. Let me tell you, it has been something of a wild ride getting to this point.

A few months back, Sage and I went to visit her family in Florida. Not a big event in and of itself but there were two elements that made this visit different. First off, though we didn’t tell anyone while we were there, a week or so before we got there we had something of an accident. To paraphrase - we found out why people say that condoms are not 100% reliable as birth control. So all the time we were there, in the back of our mind is this nagging wonderment as to whether we were going to be parents quicker than we had planned. Long time readers of this journal will know that we have waffled for years on the idea of becoming parents. We both would go from wanting kids and back to being terrified of the idea within weeks of each other. Knowing ourselves, we decided that until we were really sure we wanted kids we were not going to intentionally have one.

But here we were, in Florida with Sage potentially pregnant. And every relative of Sage’s that we meet has the same question. “When are you going to have kids?” And we just nodded and toed the party line - “Not for some time - we’re not ready.” all the while thinking that we could be less than nine months away from being proved to be liars.

It was further difficult, because Sage and I got to meet one of her “new” (well, new to us - she was four but we hadn’t met her before) cousins who was really fun to hang out with. Sage and her cousin got along really well and spent lots of time together. After a few family members saw the two of them together, the heat turned up a little still with calls of “Sage is so good with her” said to both of us and to me alone (as we watched Sage and her cousin together).

Well, to make a long story short, it wasn’t long after we returned home from Florida that Sage had her period. And something surprising occurred. We were disappointed. I don’t know about Sage but I was a bit shocked at that in a sort of “where the hell did that come from way. And after that point, we started to have more serious discussions. We started reading a few books - one by this guy, “Dr. William Sears” who published an interesting question and answer book that we read together while preparing dinner each taking turns first asking a question, then giving our own answer and then listening to his answer. He seems like he has some really good ideas. After a few months of that (plus frequent visits “just to look” to baby supply stores) we made our decision.

It wasn’t easy at first. Oh I know what you’re thinking - sex every day not easy - what are you, 35? No, not that - it was all of the other stuff surrounding it. Sage started reading the “Trying to Conceive (TTC)” boards and started in with the morning temperature taking and watching every other sign of ovulation. And for two months, she got progressively more discouraged. It was impossible, she thought, despite her doctor’s having said that everything was fine. Finally, at a particularly low point she called her mom and told her her troubles. Kite, a voice of sanity as always, told Sage that she was driving herself crazy and that it wasn’t happening because she was worrying too much. And so, the month she took her mom’s advice and put aside the thermometer and quit the TTC boards ended up being this one.

Friday night I called Sage on my way home from work to see how she was doing - she wanted me to pick up dinner on the way home (Malaysian from that new place in Coopersburg) and then we could hang out. When I got home Sage was at one of her lowest points ever - discouraged and depressed and thinking we should give up despite the fact that she was a few days late for her period. “Oh no,” Sage said, “that’s not the case - I feel crappy I’m sure it will start tomorrow.” But then it didn’t start on Saturday and by that afternoon I was getting a bit excited. However, consistent with our money management skills we were almost totally broke until next Friday. And so I did what any self-respecting hopeful dad to be would do. I gathered up a pile of CDs I wasn’t interested in and added a few more that I was and headed over to the used CD store where I got $32 for the lot. We then walked next door to CVS and picked up a pregnancy test. And though we wanted to head right home and use it, Sage wannted to wait until morning to use morning urine. And so we did.

At 4:00 in the morning, Sage woke me up. “It’s time” she said, and we headed for the bathroom where Sage followed the instructions and then we waited the prescribed amount of time. Neither of us looked as it was working. Then the timer went off and Sage’s hand clenched on mine in a death grip. And we looked and both said with commplete sincerity: “OH. MY. GOD.” and then wandered around like nutcases for the rest of the day.

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