Entries

So I was rather frustrated.

Submitted entry: It has been a lovely week here weather-wise. Days have been in the 70’s and nights in the 50’s. The yurt holds the day’s heat pretty well through much of the night but even in the cold of the morning it is toasty under our big pile of blankets. We have our wood stove and nearly enough money for the chimney so in the next week or two we should be burning wood to keep warm. ” Meanwhile, Paul is growing up so fast. He’s figured out signs for granny, nurse, “”I want”", yes, no, hat, water and has been making dog and cat noises when he sees them. But the big news is that he started walking there days ago. He just stood up and all but gave up crawling for good! It’s amazing to see all he learns and how quickly he figures it all out.

Sage and I also finally got the site revised and added some more non-commercial content and have plans for adding even more soon. Aside from adding new artists to the gallery we haven’t any plans for adding more commercial content which we are glad about as while we need money to keep doing what we’re doing we do feel guilty that the site has commercial content at all.

That’s what’s been going on around me. Meanwhile, here’s what’s been up with me lately.

A couple of days ago I was browsing through intentional communities on-line to see what was out there as possible next moves in the event that we have to move which looks to be no sooner than a year away and no later than 4-5 years away. Casey and Crow agree to give us adequate (like 6 months) notice so that we can organize our next move. Me, I’m of two minds. On the one hand we just got here and are just settling in to a routine and I’d like to enjoy this routine. On the other hand being pretty sure that some day we’re going to find out that we’ve got to go makes me feel on shaky ground so I think let’s just go and get it over with while having the decision to move be our thought-out decision rather than a reaction to “”oh no where do we go now?”". Or I should say, wait out the winter and go in the spring when building and moving would be easier. I’m really glad we have the yurt. No matter what happens we have a place to live - it’s just a question of moving it.

So the idea of finding or starting a child-centered community has been on my mind for a while since my goal in our next move is to have parents and children around nearby - preferably close enough that the kids could get together under their own power without waiting for apparent to drive them. I’d definitely appreciate being around more men and sharing more work with whatever people we live with so that instead of six people making six meals washing six dishes there’s one or two making and cleaning up after everyone’s dinner allowing more people to do more things -for example activities that could eventually result in the group of people supporting itself.

So imagine my surprise when I found Meadowdance. It sounded like what I was imagining. Then I saw that it was forming in Vermont -one town away from where I grew up.

So I was father frustrated. One by the fact that we’re about 1,200 miles away, that Sage has little interest in leaving the Ozarks and most likely her mom who really feels tied to the community she has here and wouldn’t consider moving away. Then there’s the issue of my parents whom I haven’t had contact with (my choice) since 1992 and have no interest in establishing communications with. Living there would make accidental contact more likely.

When I stopped talking to them they were heavy drinkers -both drinking 6-12 beers on the average day. Sometimes six in the morning then a nap then 6-12 in the afternoon and evening. In the middle of that they made my brother and I miserable with their constant fighting with each other and us too if we happened to be in the way. They’d been like that for at least 10 years prior or that is to say from when I was about 10 to when I stopped talking to them at 21 (or more sadly from when my brother was about 3 to 13) and that’s just what I was aware of. By their own accounts that had been going on to some extent since at least 1975.

Well since 1992 my parents divorced, my dad remarried and according to my brother my dad’s a new man -he no longer drinks or smokes and is an all around nice guy. I don’t hear much about my mom since my brother says he rarely sees her as he is no longer bound by a custody agreement and hasn’t been for several years.

All that said I have zero interest in getting in touch with them not only because I thought the parents I knew pre-1992 were assholes but also if they’ve changed I don’t care to know them. They’re strangers. Not to mention that they had their other non-chemically related problems.

Discipline for example. My mom’s idea (even when sober) of how to tell a 10 year old she was worried that I was several hours late from coming home from my friend’s place next door was to beat me on my bare behind with a leather strap. My dad who rarely hit me but did occasionally was tolerant if not encouraging of her disciplinary methods (to give her some credit she did have terrible teachers herself - her parents’ idea of how to keep a rowdy youngster under control was to chain him outside like a dog - and this is a “”funny”" story they tell!).

When I was 12 or so she told me that my brother no longer was hurt by her beatings and since I was stronger I was to take over for her in that department. It took me a year or two before I had the guts to challenge her authority there (probably since by that time I was “”too big to be spanked”")

All that story serves to say that I strongly disagree with my parents’ ideas of parenting and want them to have nothing to do with my son.

Which brings me back to the initial story - a community almost exactly what I am looking for is forming in what I consider to be my “”homeland”" and one of the most beautiful parts of the country - one that my parents aside I would love to live in again -probably for life. And here I am feeling like an exile from my home country since there is a “”hostile government”" that I am petrified of moving there for worrying about an impromptu family reunion in the grocery store where my parents find out they’re grandparents all in front of Paul. Of course living in a somewhat self sufficient community would minimize my needs for going where my family goes so that could possibly work.

Of course Sage has put up with this from me for years and is pretty sick of hearing how I’d like to live in Vermont again. And I feel bad that she has to deal with it. I feel almost a visceral draw to the lands and forests there where she has none. And of course I could, and probably am, idealizing the place. But I miss it a great deal nonetheless.

And what I have such a hard time convincing everyone around me is that I’m still having a good time here enjoying my life and living in the present. I just have my moments where my imagination can run away about how wonderful a particular situation would be.

Fortunately for me, Sage has a wonderful degree of patience and an excellent sense of humor about it all and continually jokes with me about Vermont’s perfection - “”Nobody gets sick, nobody dies, everyone’s friends with everyone else…”" and we often have a good laugh about it all.

And I feel bad that I want that so badly - like here life is giving me nearly everything I want -a life so lovely that I am astonished every day and I still want more. How ungrateful is that? But then I’m spoiled - over the past several years - maybe my whole life I have gotten exactly what I wanted soon after I wanted it.

That said I’m not feeling terrible or anything and I don’t hate it here. In fact -I’m going to end it here and walk in the woods with Paul and revel in what life has given me to date instead of spending the day working on my wish list for the next 10 years. ”