Entries

Five days until I turn 30.

Submitted entry: Not that I’m ever a one to care about agingor anything or be upset about it. Mostly I’m like Ben in Plan B by Jonathan Tropper. Putting on a “new” shirt and realizing it’ seven years old, or thinking of a 1985car as pretty new (in terms of used cars), Thinking of “The Simpsons” as a new show- just being generally caught off guard not so much by the fact that it’s the year 2000 andnot 1989 as I’m startled by the realization that Frankie Goes to Hollywood is now somethinglike classic pop.

Also startling is catching up with oldfriends from high school. I kept in relatively constant touch with two people from myschool. One who basically didn’t change in any major ways - no college, marriage or children,and another that did get married and have a child but I was in touch the whole time so itwasn’t shocking to notice. A year ago (or thereabouts) a friend got in touch who I lasttalked to in 1985. So it felt like one minute I knew her and she was a sophomore in highschool and the next she was a mom of a 9 year old. Another friend I recently got in touchwith for the first time since ‘86 is now a human rights investigator in Kosovo. Trippy, huh?I think it’s sort of startling too to have no transition between the two images.

The sun is just coming up this minute - Ican read the Alphasmart and pretty much the whole sky is a sort of peach color. The leavesare almost all off the trees now so we can see way farther in the woods. Also, happily, wecan see the mountain too which seems to be a sort of comforting presence until the leavesobscure it again next spring. Still not much need for a fire though - it’s still 70 degreedays and 55 degree nights.

I’m back on the late night train again.When the laptop was broken I stopped staying up late for a while but now I’m back into it -tweaking Linux to fit my needs. It’s a fun project made more fun by the fact that I have noreason for doing it but the fact that it’s there. No deadlines, nobody anxious to have itdone - just me tinkering away.

I’m just about finished with the firstmilestone of my writing project. Still about five to go, but it’s nice to be making progresslike this.

Paul’s doing well with the workingarrangement too - he just spends more time with Sage and his granny. And of course I oftenwork through his nap so that I can maximize our time together. I think we’re still figuringout the routine though. I still would like for Sage to be able to have 4 hours each day towork too - 2 1/2 hours from 6-8:30 am and another two later in the day but we haven’t quitefigured a reliable way to do the second bit. I think part of the difficulty with figuring outroutines has to do with the fact that we realize that we have so many options as to how tohandle it. With a “real” job you’re expected to show up 8-5 every day and youarrange your life accordingly or else. With our added flexibility we’re apt to try adifferent thing every day.

I read some of the journalcon entries of the other journalers who went lastnight. I have to say, too, that I’m pretty glad we didn’t go. No, it’s not just sour grapesthat we hadn’t the money to go (not much, anyway). More that (to use a really dated term)it’s not our scene, man. It was lots of big social groups and gatherings, big loud trips torestaurants and bars. And lots of it I imagined as sort of impersonal - like lots of peopletalking about superficial things like their career and where they shop and not much about whothey are. Though with journalers that may not have been the case. I was into that in myearly 20’s (the nearly 30′er says *grin*) but I am really much more into smaller gatherings ofpeople. Granted, most of the entries I read were by Emily which put them in the perspective of someone intheir early 20’s (the age I would have liked it, remember?). Maybe reading more of the olderparticipants’ entries would have helped. Though I read a few of Diane Paterson’s entries and still it seemedvery much a superficial social gathering to the point that Diane was in a frame of mind whereshe compared her outfit to Carolyn Burke’s. But thenshe’s from LA *grin* so we can forgive her that. I think that Diane’s entries, though made meglad to not have been there for different reasons. It seems like Diane spent a great timeconcerned with or just wondering what people were thinking of her (particularly while she wason stage). And frankly that’s a part of me that I hate. If I could wave a magic wandand magically never be concerned about what people thought of my clothes, hair or what I saidI’d do it in a New York minute. Living like this I can spend much of my time notworrying about it as I have my own life here. If someone doesn’t like it that I am wearingthe wrong outfit, haven’t showered in a few days or wasn’t perfectly articulate - screw ‘em.I’ve got my own thing that I’m on about here and secure in. But Journalcon for me would havebeen a place where I would have been constantly wondering what people think andcomparing myself to others just by the design of the forum. Not that I think that that’sinevitable there, just that I’m not able to leave behind the voice of comparison in thatsituation yet. But I’ll tell you this, living like this, with time to pay attention to whatI’m doing, to be mindful of my actions (and reactions!) has changed me dramatically in thatsense in only a year. I wonder what ten years will do.

And it’s not that I don’t like socialcontact. I’d probably love to meet most of the participants one on one someday or in a smalllow key group where we could actually talk. I just think that journalcon for me would be (andI’m assuming many participants) a chance to quote Ben Folds Five, “to do the best imitation ofmyself”. A chance to leave the real me behind and play the Hollywood screenwritten role ofmyself which seems so insincere.

So yeah, I think it’d be fun to meet some ofthe readers and other journalers as we travel or as they travel (we’re getting way lessparanoid, can you tell?) In fact it looks likely that we’ll meet a family we’ve known onlinefor like five years in our travels in January. When we go to the northeast I’d like to stopand visit several people too.

And on the subject of being less paranoid,I’m definitely going to get a picture of me up one of these days. I’m thinking of making agame out of it as most of you don’t know what I look like. Maybe get 3-4 other pictures of30something men in neutral surroundings (i.e. not the woods, not the office) and put them upand see if people can pick me out of the lineup so to speak. In fact, if any of you have some“decoy” pictures you’d like to send please send them on. When I get a few I’ll dothe contest.

Surprisingly, Paul’s still asleep - thoughhe’s stirring a little. I give him 5-20 minutes before he’s up. And that said I’d like toread some before he does wake.

In, out. In, out. In - just STAY IN!

I realize now I had walked in my sleep towards the door.