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Both are forms of objectification.

Submitted entry: I know I’ll be whining when it’s cold but I’m stillgoing to complain that it’s way too hot for me these days here. ” It’s in the upper 70’snow and the nights are around 60. At one point today I was inspired to go get wood but when Igot outside and felt how hot and humid it was I gave up on that idea. I think 45 is theoptimum temperature for getting wood. By the time you’ve whacked a bunch of sticks in piecesand sawn a log up into big chunks with a bow saw you need to be in shirt sleeves and it has tobe less than 50 degrees to be comfortable. But I’ve got a good amount of wood for now anyway.I’ve got probably a week’s worth if it were to get really cold which in my opinion is a lot.And I’ve got my eye on lots of fallen and standing dead around here so there’ll be no shortagefor several years. And that’s assuming no trees die or blow down in the intervening years.

Last night, as suspected, went really well. Paul hadanother late nap and was up fairly late but he didn’t go on a hitting spree. It definitelyseems to have been about attention and so we’re working to make every Monday a family day andto spend lots of time as a family the rest of the week too. One of the fortunes that came upwhen I logged into linux yesterday said something like “Look closely at any problem andyou’ll find you’re part of the cause.” and I think more often than not that’s the casewith discipline. That’s definitely one of the cool things that Dr. Sears talks about in The Discipline Book and it’s been a helpful thing for us toremember throughout our lives as parents.

Okay, now I’m going to rant a little. I got anemail from a really cool person but at one point she said some negative things about herspouse, saying “He’s a good provider, though.” as if that absolved him fromeverything. I would feel really insulted if someone said that about me. It would be like mesaying “Bipsy has poor social skills. But she does have nice tits.” (…Now I’llpause while we can all be shocked that I said that - including me…). It just seems sosuperficial to me no matter what the spin is. I know this person who wrote me didn’t feelthis way but it still seems sort of predatory - like everything else is okay as long as hedoesn’t hit you or stop making good money. Again, I’m sure the person who said that to mewill read this and I don’t want her to think that that’s what I think she’s thinking. I’mjust ranting about society in general.

I think that “Men as provider” thing is really an example of the low expectationsthat our society puts on men and I think that many men take that to mean that that’s all thatthey’re capable of. That a good man is someone who brings in good money and that there are noother aspirations or qualifications necessary. Thus while women wind up with eating disorderstrying to fit some body image that is expected of them by society, men wind up with socialdisorders working crazy hours, sacrificing everything for work to fit an economic image put onthem by society. A friend of mine is a great example of this. He has been climbing thecorporate ladder for years and is at last report making well into the six figure rangein order to be the good provider of his childrens’ education, his and his wife’s retirement,his standard of living. And where does that get him otherwise? Travelling the country almostweekly, working late every night, rarely seeing his family (at least the last time I workedwith him - we haven’t been in touch much lately). And you know what? Just as women all overthe country are dying daily from anorexia and bulimia (or rather heart attacks frommalnutrition), men (and more and more women) throughout the country are dying from providerism(or rather heart attacks and strokes from overwork, and stress). Not only that, just asbulimia and anorexia end up making the sufferer a parody of the perfect body image - skinnybeyond belief, providerism makes the sufferer a parody of the ideal provider image who climbsthe ladder to new heights while popping tums by the roll (and who knows what other drugs). And what has society’s write-off of men as little more than providers done forme? Well, for one thing I am much more depressed when I’m not doing paying work (whether ornot we have money). I have a really hard time getting behind non-paying work that Icould be doing for my own enjoyment. And I still get excited about talking about mywork and what money it brings in despite not really being into it - i.e. it’s a living I dowell but I don’t feel enthusiastic about the work itself when I talk about it. Know what Imean? Fortunately for me this life I’ve chosen has become something like a treatment programfor me. And it helps to be surrounded by women who don’t care how much of a provider Iam or am not.

I guess that’s why I’m really not into having a sociallife with most of the men I know or meet. Because it very quickly turns into what a Kids in the Hall sketch has made me forever think of asbusiness card sniffing. Single male social discourse as I remember it was talking aboutstereotypical guy things: music, women, cars, etc. Married male social discourse is evenworse! It turns into a mutual back patting festival started by someone asking “So how’sbusiness.” I just want to answer “Who gives a shit?” (and I might even do itsomeday) Because at this point I am striving not to care so much (and having fairly goodsuccess) about work or business as long as we’re eating and comfortable and have what we needand some of what we want. And not only that it isn’t just my responsibility. Tell mesomething interesting about your life. I don’t care about your profit margin or localmarketing trends or what your possibilities for promotion are. Why? Because most people Iknow aren’t interested in what they do for work, they’re interested in either being agood provider at it or getting some sort of recognition for it (fame, power, etc.) and not foractually enjoying the work.

I think that many men are more invested in the“good provider” myth than most women are in the “good body” myth. I thinkthere’s as much if not more social stigma against a man who doesn’t “properlyprovide” as for an unattractive woman. And just as many men have taken on providing asidentity as women have taken their bodies as their identity. Both are forms ofobjectification and both are damaging to the potential of the object who buys into theobjectification.

So I tell you what, I’ll make you a deal. You don’t call me “A GoodProvider” and I won’t call you honey, babe, girl, sweet-cheeks, chick or whatever otherdemeaning word you choose.

But you can call me a good dad any time you like… ”

I realize now I had walked in my sleep towards the door.

Hmm. I can’t say I’ve tried this before…