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Hmm. I can’t say I’ve tried this before…

Submitted entry: Writing an entry when I’m crabby that is. I can’t say exactly why I’m crabby but I am. I have that tense feeling I get in my head (probably muscles in my scalp tensing) that is the physical manifestation of what in cartoons gets one a little scribble above the head. Not that I have a whole lot of reasons to be crabby. I had a pretty good day, after all. Maybe a little more work than play today than usual but nothing serious.

Paul woke up with me at about 6:45 AM today. His wakeups in the morning are getting better and better. A couple of months ago you could absolutely count on him crying for a minute or two and asking for a nurse. Not today, though. Today he woke up, asked where Sage was (as usual) and then brought a book over (and brought my glasses over too – what a guy) and we read for a bit until I was ready to get up and make coffee. After a bit of playing, reading and listening to KSMU (I think me more than him) I made a batch of whole wheat pancakes which we ate with butter.

Sage got home shortly thereafter and sad for her -she’s having her period. She always gets horrid cramps and is drained but combine that with nursing and you wind up with someone extra tired. So after she spent a few minutes at the yurt, and having a little breakfast I sent her to the house to relax in the bath for awhile.

While she did that Paul and I picked up (I should say I picked up and Paul watched – I was folding laundry mostly and he didn’t really know how to help). After a while Sage returned and I was able to work for a good portion of the day after that. My work is coming along nicely – at just the right speed and with a good balance between working, being with the family and doing chores. My client seems happy with the progress too so it’s good all around. And it looks like it should all be wrapped up nicely by the end of the month. Hard to beat that!

But still despite all that I’m crabby. Well, I think I know why. I didn’t eat very well today. Mostly I subsisted on coffee (2 cups – mistake!),pancakes and a little pasta. Not a great way to get me through all that work. I notice now that I’m fed that I’m feeling more sleepy and less crabby. That can only be a good thing. I’ve been out of vitamins for a while and I am noticing a bit of a difference in how much sleep I need – I need to go to bed way earlier now. Of course it’s being dark early doesn’t help much at all.

Yesterday Sage and I happened to mention to a friend that we’re coming up on ten (well closer to 9 but who’s counting?) years of being together (we met in Sept of ‘91, started living together in November of ‘91 (we met online, and Sage still hasn’t left from what was to be a four day visit – what a terrible houseguest!) and got married in April of ‘92) Her question was “What’s your secret?” Neither of us answered (it seemed something of a rhetorical question and nothing popped into our minds immediately). But after thinking some about it here’s what I’ve come up with:

• Absolute and total honesty. It doesn’t matter if we’ve done something we’re embarrassed or ashamed of, are crabby about something they did, would like something different to be happening (no matter how crazy it sounds). We tell each other everything.
• We’re best friends. This is helpful in many ways. First off, even in the middle of an argument we can almost always ask to speak to our best friend. No, really! And that reminds us that we’re on the same side even though we’re disagreeing. It makes it easier for us tolisten to each other without judgment too. Not only that it helps stave off the “Us and them” sorts of feelings that people in a relationship can develop when their best friend isn’t their spouse and they go off to complain to their best friend about their spouse. This is almost always a bad thing IMO.
• We figured out a few years in that a sense of humor is a great thing in an argument. If we’re in the middle of an argument and someone says something silly and melodramatic we both feel we can laugh at it. When one of us thinks of a joke in the middle of the argument we tell it. We learned early on to not override smiles and laughter in an argument. There’s a reason why you’re about to smile – you like the person you’re with.
• A corollary to the above I think. Keep close when arguing, preferably touching. If we’re having a really bad argument it’s often that we’ll notice that we’re sitting across the room from each other. After we realize that, and move close together on the couch or somewhere it’s not long before things are getting better. And a corollary to that is also to make sure you’re comfortable. i.e. If you’re arguing and you’re hungry, hot, or otherwise uncomfortable do something about it so that that isn’t contributing to your anger.
• We make each other’s happiness a priority in the relationship. This was something we established long before we even committed to one another and was part of why we didcommit.
• As part of that we also are both committed to self knowledge and improvement. It not only benefits ourselves to be better people, it helps us be closer together and deal with conflict better.
• Along the lines of self-knowledge is the ability to listen to and heed the inner voice that says “You’re being an idiot” (unreasonable, jerk, etc). And also to be able to admit that to each other. To be able, for example, to get half way through a tirade, and just be able to stop and say “Oh wait, Sorry! I’m being a jerk now. I was wrong”. Score extra humor points for delivering it sounding like John Cleese.
• Sage said last night (as we were thinking about this) that she has high expectations and that I do my best to live up to them. I think we’re both very demanding of each other in terms of behavior and don’t take any crap before pointing out the error. And that (after the momentary defensiveness defused by the technique at the last bullet point) leads to triggering the self-improvement part of us into action. It works every time.
• Here’s something trite but true. Don’t go to bed mad. Preferably don’t do anything else mad either. Stay on task and get the argument resolved. Then go to bed, make dinner (Ayurveda suggests not cooking when you’re angry as it “contaminates” the food and we can vouch for that being true) or whatever it is you mean to do next. Sitting and stewing thinking what a jerk the person is, followed by a fitful sleep, followed by one or both of you going to work only succeeds in repressing the issue. Sage and I went to bed mad once (so long ago that I can’t remember what about) and we had a horrible sleep and miserable day the next day.
• Avoid yelling at one another – in my opinion it’s at best verbal abuse and at best verbal terrorism and intimidation. If you can get your point across without making the other person defensive why not do it?
• Listen, don’t interrupt. Do what you can to remember that and repeat what the other person said if necessary to make sure you understand it.

That’s what I’ve come up with so far, anyway. If I think of any more I’ll pass them on. I think it all comes down to mutual honor, respect and care for one another which sadly is not a part of many marriages.

It’s going to be another long day of working tomorrow and it’s after 9:00 already. I plan to get answer some email then walk out to within range of the LAN, upload this and come back to go to bed. I’m wiped out.

Both are forms of objectification.

I might just have a spoonful or two of peanut butter.