Good Provider?

Submitted entry: Paul’s asleep now - he’s had a bit of cough medicine and so isquite happily sleeping through Sage and I blabbing and having musicon. (NP: You Were Spiraling’s Delusions of Grandeur album).

It was a toss-up today between going back to sleep now (I had amigraine earlier today and they exhaust me) or having coffee andwriting. I chose writing - not the best choice health-wise, probably butI really enjoy writing these days.

It’s been an interesting week with Paul. A few days ago Kiteyalso observed that Paul was being something of a barbarian most of thetime and mentioned that it might be the computer games we’re allplaying. The more we talked the more we realized that that was probablythe case. Even though we played no more than 1/2 hour a day he hasdefinitely been more distracted and more violent. These are things oftenattributed to kids watching too much television. So we stopped with thegames that day and after a few days he’s noticibly being morehimself. It’s amazing that we could have made such a mistake given thatit basically is interactive television and we all know our feelingsabout his watching television. Chalk it up to another learning experienceand we’ll all be glad we figured this out early on. We’ve gone monthsbefore with “Logic problems” as we call them. In Bethlehem itwas the worst. In all our rearrangings we at times had the cassettes andCDs on one floor and the stereo on a different one. The TV in one roomand the videos in another. We’re getting better at seeing our own lack oflogic but still we catch ourselves being silly. Our new thing is for oneof us to come up with a good idea and the other vetoes it saying that it’sfar too logical for us.

Had another Springfield trip a few days ago. Just a simple one togo to the library, dinner and to look for a used pentium desktop (lowspeed) to use for the internet gateway on the LAN in the house. We’d liketo free up our 333mHz one to be more of a community computer as it’sreally too powerful to waste it’s time as an internet sharing server forthree other computers. We also made a trip to a learning-toy store wherewe got Paul some books and puzzles which we’ve been having a great timewith. Dinner that night was fun. We went to an Italian place thathumorously enough touts itself as an “East Coast Style” Italian restaurantcomplete with Rat Pack music (a weakness of ours) and pictures of FrankSinatra on the walls. It surely isn’t as great as some of the places wewent to in New Jersey or Pennsylvania but the food was tasty, we had agood time and Paul ate all of his children’s order of ravioli and severalof mine too so we know he likes it.

I think he’s really developing druthers about what he eatsnow. He’s less likely to eat what we eat just because we’re eatingit. He’s starting to like simpler, less seasoned foods. For example, heprefers chickpeas with butter and onions and cayenne on rice way betterthan channa masala - chickpeas with cloves, cardamom, cinnamon, cumin andcoriander. He likes tofu cold and sliced up out of the package way betterthan anything I cook it in. It’s very interesting to see him change overtime.

I’ve not forgotten about the picture of me going up on thissite. I’ve actually got a few peoples’ decoy photographs though morewould be great. I just need to get the digital camera working again (itmay have to go back to Epson to be fixed) so I can get my picture in too!

I had some fun yesterday looking at old email from 1997 andearlier. I found out that Eudora mailboxes are just text files and so areunix mail files. So I just imported them into pine (the program I use formail - I’m definitely a minimalist) and read some. I swear every emailfrom me to Sage was something saying that I’d be home late, or that I’dactually be home early (“See you at 8:00 - only 3 hoursover!”). How did I even have much time to get to know Sage when I’dwork so often and then spend evenings and weekends shopping or doingerrands that I didn’t have time to do because I worked 50-60 hours/weekand commuted 2-4 hours/day? OH! I know. There’s the justification forhaving spent so much on dining out (when we kept track in Pennsylvaniadining out expenses were third to rent, and car (insurance andpayment). If I’d been cooking great meals all the time I’d never haveseen her! Yeah, that’s it! The secret to our happy marriage isn’t what Isaid before, it’s eating out or ordering pizza 3-5 nights a week. Moveover, John Gray - I’m going to start in on the talkshow/infomercial/seminar/book circuit. Men are from Mars, Women areFrom Venus and they come together at Star of India. There could beentire spm campaigns with subject lines like “SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE NOWTHE EASY WAY!!!” and just think of the money we could make from apartnership with Dominos.

You know what, though? In some ways that’s not so far off. Lookat how advertising works. Look how it tells us that if we buy a diamondour love life will be better, that gentlemen prefer Leggs and that womenprefer a Bud man. Your whole life can be changed with just the rightpurchases. Want fun? The night belongs to Michelob (but they never tellyou the next day will belong to Excedrin but think of the cross-marketingopportunity).

And they definitely market time-saving devices or eatingout as ways of saving time for yourself and your family because your lifeis so busy with working too many hours, doing too many other activities,taking the kids to all their practices and such. And why are we workingso hard? To pay for our timesaving devices. Why do we have timesavingdevices? Because we work too hard to have time. Why do we have a$250,000 house? Because that’s what houses cost close to work. Why do wework at that high stress/high paying job? Because we have a mortgage topay. Why do we go to the marriage counselor? Because we work too muchapart. Why do we work the extra hours? To pay the marriage counselor.

That was the realization I made that made it possible for me notto worry about moving here without a “real job”. I realizedthat so much of our money was supporting my job. Rent on a house nearby(we weren’t terribly fond of it or the area), a car to commute in when Iworked far away ($17,000 new because I put 50,000 miles/year on and didn’twant to worry about repairs - and I wanted to be“comfortable” (and impress people) so I got an Acura. We wereeating out so much because I worked too much to feel up for cooking. Wehad a big house because the cats couldn’t go outside with all the trafficand they needed their space so we had high heating bills. It was like asweater. I found a single thread and started tugging absently on it andbefore I knew it the whole thing came unraveled in my hands. That waswhen I realized how much of what I thought I wanted was all an illusionand when I thought seriously about what I did want I didn’t need much atall. We needed shelter, heat and food at a minimum. We’d like to haveinternet access especially since that’s meant to help us make money. Sosimplifying our lives became not so much an exercise in denying ourselvesthings as actually figuring out what we wanted that wasn’t wrapped up inmaking us feel better that we hardly saw one another. Sure, I likethe idea that we’re consuming less, but we’re not doing it out ofprinciple alone. We’re doing it because we’re having a much better timethis way than we were when we saw each other 40 hours/week or less becauseof my job (and what if we’d been working a job each?). And it’s obviousfrom the sheer number - 40 hours/week that it was crazy for me to work ifI wanted to be a father. To work 40-60 hours/week and spend 40 hours aweek home (he would sleep through much of that) is crazy. So now thebalance is better. While I’m working almost every day to some extent, I’mhome and available to my son and Sage (and Sage for us) almost everywaking hour of the day. Conservatively speaking I estimate that to over100 hours/week. See why I prefer not to be a “Good provider”?

That Terrible Cycle

Submitted entry: I don’t know if I’ve shared witheveryone how things have been going with my work on finding my lifepurpose with Julie Jordan Scott butlet me take a few minutes to say it’s going really well. She’s anexcellent coach and has helped me to the point where I have got somethingof a handle on my life purpose. And the surprise that will probably notbe a surprise to everyone else is that it is not a career pathexplicitly. In my entry (I forget which one) just after I got back fromFlorida and was mentioning that I felt that most of what I did was withoutpassion and I missed having that sense of purpose I particularly meant myjob. I was hoping to find a job that I would enjoy that would also besomething that I felt really 100% into and agreed with ethically and thatI felt was actually helping others. And the surprise is that I didn’texplicitly come up with a purpose that was also a career. I know - not asurprise is it? My purpose to paraphrase is to do my best to beself-knowlegable and mindful and be constantly striving to be the bestperson and parent I can be and to share the successes and failures in thateffort with as many people as I can. In other words, I’ve been trying todo that all along with this journal and the life I’m leading.

But I did decide to focus a bitmore and have started writing some articles for Themestream which will focus on thechanges I’m making in my life, opinion on parenting and will also as oftenas possible include some of the travel writing I hope to do about ourtravels with Paul.

My first article is written.

Things here have been great despiteus all being down with a cold. Unlike the past couple colds which wipedus all out (except Paul sometimes making for a difficult time) this onejust makes us cough and sneeze and keeps our energy levels up. I was ableto get wood and water and do everything I normally do despite having it -just not as much as usual.

We’ve been home much of the timethis week which is great - seems like we go through phases where we’reaway from the yurt several days a week. Last week we got in to thatterrible cycle where the yurt just got messed up at night when we gothome, a little more messed up in the morning and then we’d go somewhere sowe wouldn’t have time to clean. So now the yurt’s pretty clean and as wewent shopping we’ve managed to make lots of good meals at home too.Tonight I think I’ll make a quick Thai yellow curry of tofu and rice.It’s easy with pre-made curry paste and canned coconut milk. It’s almostas easy as Kraft macaroni and cheese but so much tastier and better foryou.

Speaking of tofu I’ve made anothercommitment to myself. I’m going back to being vegetarian now - and thistime I mean it *grin*. I got lax when we first got here as it was easy tobe lazy and eat whatever we wanted in town (we rarely ate meat here at theyurt - it was dining out where we were bad). I’ve been feeling guilty fora while for eating meat but lacked the willpower to change. Then Iremembered what pushed me over the edge last time - actually reading booksabout the ethics (or lack thereof) of eating meat and once again I feellike it’s a bad idea health-wise, bad for the animals and bad for worldhunger for me to eat meat. Okay, I always knew that but I’m choosing topay attention to that again this time.

And in the interests of getting thearticle, my bio and and this entry up I’m going to end this here and maybewrite more later.

The silence is deafening.

Submitted entry: I just woke up a 1/2 hour or so ago when Sage got up to go to the house to be online for a while. Paul, remarkably, is still asleep after his having been waking up before six for the past few days. I think with his cold he hasn’t been much into eating and as a result he wakes up hungry. It’s hard when you have a stuffy nose, after all. You can’t taste anything and chewing means you can’t breathe so I don’t blame him for eating just enough to get by. It has been hard, though, as he’s been tired and crabby (from hunger and from sleeplessness) much of the day. But it’s just another challenge of parenting. It’s hard days with him that I think have the potential for the most growth as a parent.

And speaking of hard days, Sage just came back from the house -the water jug she had brought with her had frozen shut so she came back for another one. She was pretty crabby, and before leaving for the house with a jug that spent the night in the warm yurt, apologized for being that way. See, we all have bad days - I expect it from me, I expect it from Sage but somehow many of us either don’t expect, or accept the fact that kids can have bad days too. Of course I think that children and adults need to learn to have bad days without venting at others around them thereby. And again, of course, I realize that whether I, Sage orPaul has a bad day it is always a learning experience for me.

Paul’s awake so I’ll stop for now, or for good depending on how many “learning experiences” today offers.

Okay, it’s 11:30. Sage brought back water and started working. Paul and I played, read and made pancakes. (and coffee for me speaking of which I’m back to 2 cups a day and I’m ready for #2) Things went quite well, actually. Sage worked for about four hours and Paul didn’t be terribly disruptive and even showed interest in what she was doing asking her to click on and move objects on the screen. He was amazingly patient with the whole process and went back a few times throughout Sage’s work to see what she was up to. He’s also quite helpful at times when he says what he thinks something is on the screen. He can tell Sage if she’s on the right track with a graphic that way.

Meanwhile I have a fair amount of work to do this afternoon. I’m just about at the half way point in my project. It’s exciting to be nearing the end and to be able to look forward to spending time not having to worry about working. The weather has been pleasantly cold outside, rarely topping 35 with icy nights in the teens. It’s way nicer to gather wood when it’s cold - even on 45 degree days I’m in shirtsleeves before long if I’m working very hard. And cold nights are the best. There’s something about going outside to pee at night and to look up and feel the cold and look up to see more stars than I had imagined existed (even without my glasses). I realized when we first moved here that aside from a visit here in 1995, I hadn’t seen the milky way since the late 90’s due to the light pollution of the east coast megalopolis. And the silence on a cold night is astonishing. Often all I can hear is my breath and when I hold that the silence is deafening. And it looks like it’s going to belike that all winter too as the National Weather Service says that it will be colder than normal and that we’re to expect nearly two feet of snow (which doesn’t seem much to my old east coast standards but after last winter’s 10 inches it seems phenomenal).

Now Paul’s down at the tipi. Kitey came to visit while he and I were painting and he asked to go to the tipi and make pancakes with her. In the beginning of his cold we were being very strict about his going outside even with lots of clothes on but he has such a hard time staying in and gets totally stir crazy. He was a barbarian all morning yesterday, doing things that he knew we didn’t like and after a short trip outside to get wood and a walk to the persimmon grove. He ate a ton - he really seems to have a good handle on what his body needs when sick even to the point of getting interested in medicinal plants (when he had the stomach flu he wanted to eat nothing other than sumac and juniper berries for example). It’s fun to think of how different I must have been at his age. Two nights ago we were walking back from the house and he was thrilled to be outside (it was the first time he’d been out in a while) and it was getting really cloudy and windy and he said “Bigstorm coming, daddy!” I don’t think I was outside even enough at that age to know when a storm was coming - I think I figured that out at about ten. I handed him a broken stick on another day and asked him to smell it and see if he could guess what it was. Sassafras was his answer- correct! Of course it has a very distinct and lovely smell nearly as nice as the red cedar that grows around here. All the things he won’t have to learn (as I did) at nearly 30 and still he gets the benefit of being exposed to technology too. How cool it must be. Of course he doesn’t think of it that way. It is his life after all. I’m wondering how long it will be before he notices that not everyone lives in a yurt like he does.

I have been having a ball with the writing for Themestream, and am getting a surprising amount of traffic there. It’s fun to have the opportunity to write in a different voice. Not that I, having a web site of my own, can’t do that anyway, but it’s different somehow. I like having a place for my ranting and raving beyond what I do here.

Having given up meat again for some reason has got me inspired about cooking somehow again. It’s not as if I cooked meat more than once or twice at the yurt - I guess it’s just that I’m thinking of getting back into the mailing lists and I remember that there were tons of great recipes going back and forth with lots of cool people too. I hope to find a more social list than the ones we used to be involved in. They were fairly good for the most part but quite often degenerated into flame wars either between omnivores and vegetarians or even among vegetarians over some subtle issue of ethics. Anyone here involved in any likely candidates? There were only a few back in ” ‘93 but now with places likeOnelist I’m sure that there are more than I can count or keep up with.Speaking of that, I tried subscribing to Diary-L for about a day. Literally only a day in fact. And it was then I realized that that kind of list isn’t something I’m able to be involved in these days. Back in the days when I could sit at my desk at work covertly sending emails throughout the day to keep in the conversation it would work but now whenI get email a few times a day and generally only do my email after 9:00 at night I haven’t the time to keep up with lists where topics come and go before I even have a chance to respond. I think diary-l was an extreme example though - I’ve never been involved in such a high-traffic listever. There were six digests in the day that I was involved. I don’t even think that if there were something I were completely and totally interested and immersed in that I could keep up.

I might just have a spoonful or two of peanut butter.

Submitted entry: Well I had meant to do some grocery shopping right now andam actually in town parked across from the health food store but Paul’sasleep in the back and there’s no way I’m going to wake him up. He’s gota bit of a cold and had a sort of restless night as even being propped uphe was stuffy until a little after midnight. Now he’s sitting up in thecar seat which works great for his sinuses.

I am a bit hungry though and silly me I didn’t bringfood. Fortunately drive-throughs are made for this sort of thing. Andthough you might not have expected it from what you read here, despite mybeing 30 minutes from the nearest town, that town at a population of about3,000 or so has a host of drive-throughs to choose from - McDonalds, TacoBell and Sonic. Only one, Taco Bell has any vegetarian options andadmittedly I’ve been a terrible vegetarian lately (due in part to therestaurant offerings - after all we don’t ever buy meat we’ll just eat itat a restaurant. So depending on how I feel I may stop this entry for afood break (alternately I might keep going and just have a spoonful or twoof peanut butter - we have a jar in the back from our last kid outing -and eat with Paul when he wakes up if he’s hungry.

With Paul’s entering toddlerhood big time and with many of theusual “problems” we’ve been really having to define our positionon discipline very clearly to ourselves. We both are, as you know,completely against spanking as in our opinions it is a barbaric practicethat only encourages violence in children later (or even sooner thesedays) in life. It tells kids that “When all else fails in getting mypoint across, beat the point home.” and we just don’t believethat in our own lives. After all, many of our friends have done or saidstupid things and we don’t go smacking them when they don’t do what wesay.

And I’ll go even a step further in this one that may end upgetting me some nasty emails: We don’t believe in punishment at all -especially in toddlers. That’s not to say we don’t believe thatthere should be boundaries and consequences for crossing them but that wefeel that we need to be honest and logical in how we define bothboundaries and consequences. Punishment, I belive, are just a poorabstraction of consequences and we all know how well even someadults handle abstraction.

No, we believe that boundaries are necessary - for example,hitting is forbidden, throwing things in the yurt is forbidden, beating onthe computer is forbidden, writing on books (other than coloring books isforbidden. But here’s the difference. When he hits Sage, for example (herarely hits me), he doesn’t get a timeout, he doesn’t get aspanking (violence for violence? I think not). He gets a consequence thatis logical and understandible. Sage stays away from him saying that shedoesn’t want to be hit again and he is asked to apologize. Usually heasks for a nurse before apologizing and we tell him that Sage is worriedhe’ll hit again and that until he apologizes nursing won’t happen. Seethe connection? Logical consequences that also make him see why it’s abad idea not to do something.

It’s that abstraction that made me, as a child, just work not toget caught. I’ll use my story about lying to my parents and goingto Boston the first time when I hit (and ran) someone’s Porsche in aparking lot. When my dad found out he had a fit of anger but nothing moreand all we did was go have a fun family day in Boston while we all wentdown to fill out the accident reports together and then went out tolunch. That was an example of minimal consequences - okay, I made my dadmad, but so what, that never resulted in anything more than a raised voicewhen I was over 10 (and okay, when I criticized my mom for drinking hethreatened to hit me even at 20!). Anyway, there were so manyopportunities for real consequences. Grounding alone wouldn’t have beeneffective. However, revocation of car privileges for six-twelve months,writing a letter of apology to the owner of the Porsche, etc. would havebeen real life consequences.

So that’s where we’re at with Paul and I think it has workedreally well so far - he stops bad behaviour almost always now when we tellhim to rather than having to even administer consequences. Hey, we wereout of propane (again) last week for a day and when we were cooking on thefire he was trying to throw things in the fire as it was really anexciting thing for him. First we tried to work with him with the fire andlet him put sticks on some but he was too excited about it. So I told himthat if he threw anything in the fire again we’d have to go inside and letSage handle the rest. Instead of a big scene he just said “Goinside.” and we went in and had a great time playing and reading. Heobviously either knew the limits of his impulse control or figured thatthe fire would be no fun on our terms and so we went in. That happened acouple times last time we ran out of propane too.

The check finally came in on Wednesday and we went to Springfieldto get some more library books and do some shopping. When we were therewe stopped at Barnes and Noble and I picked up The Discipline Book as we only had aborrowed copy for a little while. While I was in the parenting section Iwas encouraged to see how few of the books even said that spanking was auseful parenting tool. Nearly all the ones I looked at said that it wouldcause only more trouble. One said that 10% of parents spank and thinkit’s a good thing, 20% of parents do not ever spank and 70% of parentsspank but don’t like doing it and just can’t find a better solution. Ifind that encouraging. Of course my impression is that that would bedifferent for Christian parenting books (except for those byDr. Sears) would be quite different and more often than not simply talkabout spanking with love not anger (what a stupid self deceivingconcept that is). I definitely notice that here meeting people. Most ofthe people I met working in the computer repair business for a while weredevout Christians and every one of them somehow changed the subject fromasking about if I had kids (yes, one) to telling stories of what theirkids did to deserve their worst beatings and how it helped them turn outbetter and how parents who don’t spank are making a big mistake that iscausing all of the chaos in this country today.

Yes, this is definitely a Christian area. In town on Saturday theowner of a tire shop where we were getting a flat repaired (8th sinceAugust - our road is full of little shards of flint) and he walked in andsaid no greeting but instead said “I think we’re a nation coming backto God, don’t you think?” It was so bizarre. Most of the businessesI ever went to back east would never have dreamed of possiblyalienating a customer by saying that but here it’s just taken for grantedthat we’re all Christian - and probably even all Protestant. I just saidsome non-committal sort of answer. I know, not very genuine or sincere ofme in the interest of being truly myself. I guess I just wasn’t up forthe long discussion and background it would take for me to explain myposition when all he was doing was making Godly small-talk.

In the midst of all our being broke and nearly out of everythingthe computer also started to go south. Yes, the new one. It was beingunable to boot saying that it had a keyboard error. Pretty scary as werely pretty heavily on it as you can imagine. Anyway, I tried toreconnect the keyboard (no luck), upgraded the bios (no luck) and then forthe heck of it I tried the keyboard from the old laptop. That was anearly fatal mistake. I turned it on and it said “Ready to updatebios - put disk in drive and press any key” That’s what the othercomputer said before it died and I found out when I upgraded the bios thatthat’s because if you hold down F12 when it boots it will try to upgradethe bios. Well with the first computer I had no disk and so I didn’tupdate I just turned it off and apparently that just erased the biosturning that computer into a paperweight. Well, here I was at thatcritical juncture again. Fortunately I hustled over to the bookshelf andpicked up the disk drive and bios disk and plugged it all in (I don’t knowif it was advised to plug it in with the power on but…) and connectedthe original keyboard to the computer. It upgraded the bios (again) andit was fine. Then I threw away the other keyboard as that was just toodangerous to have around. Turns out later that at the same time, Windowswas falling apart. For the heck of it I reinstalled Windows (it wasn’trunning anyway after a while) and voila - not only did Windows work, thebios error was gone. So needless to say we’re pretty pleased with thatnews.

Winter’s finally here too I think. Well, probably not permanentlybut still, we had SNOW on Thursday if you can believe it - no accumulationto speak of but beautiful nonetheless. SO now the temps are in the 40’sduring the day and in the mid 20’s at night. Which, of course makes woodgathering a necessity again, especially as not only is it getting colder,it looks like the drought is ending and so we’re getting rain quite often- at least once or twice a week as opposed to going months without morethan a sprinkle. We appreciate the rain, though and it’s nice to have acreek again on the land. Between having the creek back and being able tosee the mountain through the trees the whole dynamic of living here hasbeen changed.

Any readers here from the pacific northwest? We’ve been givingsome thought to spending the summer in that area - possibly Vancouver. Ofcourse we’re particularly interested in parents of toddlers in the areabut it’d be cool to meet others up there. We’d be likely to be drivingthere too so depending on what route we took we might visit folks alongthe way. Neither of us have been in that area and it sounds wonderful,not just the right weather for us but also fairly progressive. We’ll justhave to find a place to sublet or short-term rent for the summer. We’releaning towards Canada for reasons that are probably obvious. If we livein a city we want somewhere safer than what we’d expect from say Boston,NY or LA. Not only that, I hear the rents are relatively inexpensive,especially when you factor in the exchange rate.

Okay - Paul’s awake now so once he’s coherent (he’s a zombienow) we’re going to get going.

Hmm. I can’t say I’ve tried this before…

Submitted entry: Writing an entry when I’m crabby that is. I can’t say exactly why I’m crabby but I am. I have that tense feeling I get in my head (probably muscles in my scalp tensing) that is the physical manifestation of what in cartoons gets one a little scribble above the head. Not that I have a whole lot of reasons to be crabby. I had a pretty good day, after all. Maybe a little more work than play today than usual but nothing serious.

Paul woke up with me at about 6:45 AM today. His wakeups in the morning are getting better and better. A couple of months ago you could absolutely count on him crying for a minute or two and asking for a nurse. Not today, though. Today he woke up, asked where Sage was (as usual) and then brought a book over (and brought my glasses over too - what a guy) and we read for a bit until I was ready to get up and make coffee. After a bit of playing, reading and listening to KSMU (I think me more than him) I made a batch of whole wheat pancakes which we ate with butter.

Sage got home shortly thereafter and sad for her -she’s having her period. She always gets horrid cramps and is drained but combine that with nursing and you wind up with someone extra tired. So after she spent a few minutes at the yurt, and having a little breakfast I sent her to the house to relax in the bath for awhile.

While she did that Paul and I picked up (I should say I picked up and Paul watched - I was folding laundry mostly and he didn’t really know how to help). After a while Sage returned and I was able to work for a good portion of the day after that. My work is coming along nicely - at just the right speed and with a good balance between working, being with the family and doing chores. My client seems happy with the progress too so it’s good all around. And it looks like it should all be wrapped up nicely by the end of the month. Hard to beat that!

But still despite all that I’m crabby. Well, I think I know why. I didn’t eat very well today. Mostly I subsisted on coffee (2 cups - mistake!),pancakes and a little pasta. Not a great way to get me through all that work. I notice now that I’m fed that I’m feeling more sleepy and less crabby. That can only be a good thing. I’ve been out of vitamins for a while and I am noticing a bit of a difference in how much sleep I need - I need to go to bed way earlier now. Of course it’s being dark early doesn’t help much at all.

Yesterday Sage and I happened to mention to a friend that we’re coming up on ten (well closer to 9 but who’s counting?) years of being together (we met in Sept of ‘91, started living together in November of ‘91 (we met online, and Sage still hasn’t left from what was to be a four day visit - what a terrible houseguest!) and got married in April of ‘92) Her question was “What’s your secret?” Neither of us answered (it seemed something of a rhetorical question and nothing popped into our minds immediately). But after thinking some about it here’s what I’ve come up with:

• Absolute and total honesty. It doesn’t matter if we’ve done something we’re embarrassed or ashamed of, are crabby about something they did, would like something different to be happening (no matter how crazy it sounds). We tell each other everything.
• We’re best friends. This is helpful in many ways. First off, even in the middle of an argument we can almost always ask to speak to our best friend. No, really! And that reminds us that we’re on the same side even though we’re disagreeing. It makes it easier for us tolisten to each other without judgment too. Not only that it helps stave off the “Us and them” sorts of feelings that people in a relationship can develop when their best friend isn’t their spouse and they go off to complain to their best friend about their spouse. This is almost always a bad thing IMO.
• We figured out a few years in that a sense of humor is a great thing in an argument. If we’re in the middle of an argument and someone says something silly and melodramatic we both feel we can laugh at it. When one of us thinks of a joke in the middle of the argument we tell it. We learned early on to not override smiles and laughter in an argument. There’s a reason why you’re about to smile - you like the person you’re with.
• A corollary to the above I think. Keep close when arguing, preferably touching. If we’re having a really bad argument it’s often that we’ll notice that we’re sitting across the room from each other. After we realize that, and move close together on the couch or somewhere it’s not long before things are getting better. And a corollary to that is also to make sure you’re comfortable. i.e. If you’re arguing and you’re hungry, hot, or otherwise uncomfortable do something about it so that that isn’t contributing to your anger.
• We make each other’s happiness a priority in the relationship. This was something we established long before we even committed to one another and was part of why we didcommit.
• As part of that we also are both committed to self knowledge and improvement. It not only benefits ourselves to be better people, it helps us be closer together and deal with conflict better.
• Along the lines of self-knowledge is the ability to listen to and heed the inner voice that says “You’re being an idiot” (unreasonable, jerk, etc). And also to be able to admit that to each other. To be able, for example, to get half way through a tirade, and just be able to stop and say “Oh wait, Sorry! I’m being a jerk now. I was wrong”. Score extra humor points for delivering it sounding like John Cleese.
• Sage said last night (as we were thinking about this) that she has high expectations and that I do my best to live up to them. I think we’re both very demanding of each other in terms of behavior and don’t take any crap before pointing out the error. And that (after the momentary defensiveness defused by the technique at the last bullet point) leads to triggering the self-improvement part of us into action. It works every time.
• Here’s something trite but true. Don’t go to bed mad. Preferably don’t do anything else mad either. Stay on task and get the argument resolved. Then go to bed, make dinner (Ayurveda suggests not cooking when you’re angry as it “contaminates” the food and we can vouch for that being true) or whatever it is you mean to do next. Sitting and stewing thinking what a jerk the person is, followed by a fitful sleep, followed by one or both of you going to work only succeeds in repressing the issue. Sage and I went to bed mad once (so long ago that I can’t remember what about) and we had a horrible sleep and miserable day the next day.
• Avoid yelling at one another - in my opinion it’s at best verbal abuse and at best verbal terrorism and intimidation. If you can get your point across without making the other person defensive why not do it?
• Listen, don’t interrupt. Do what you can to remember that and repeat what the other person said if necessary to make sure you understand it.

That’s what I’ve come up with so far, anyway. If I think of any more I’ll pass them on. I think it all comes down to mutual honor, respect and care for one another which sadly is not a part of many marriages.

It’s going to be another long day of working tomorrow and it’s after 9:00 already. I plan to get answer some email then walk out to within range of the LAN, upload this and come back to go to bed. I’m wiped out.

Both are forms of objectification.

Submitted entry: I know I’ll be whining when it’s cold but I’m stillgoing to complain that it’s way too hot for me these days here. ” It’s in the upper 70’snow and the nights are around 60. At one point today I was inspired to go get wood but when Igot outside and felt how hot and humid it was I gave up on that idea. I think 45 is theoptimum temperature for getting wood. By the time you’ve whacked a bunch of sticks in piecesand sawn a log up into big chunks with a bow saw you need to be in shirt sleeves and it has tobe less than 50 degrees to be comfortable. But I’ve got a good amount of wood for now anyway.I’ve got probably a week’s worth if it were to get really cold which in my opinion is a lot.And I’ve got my eye on lots of fallen and standing dead around here so there’ll be no shortagefor several years. And that’s assuming no trees die or blow down in the intervening years.

Last night, as suspected, went really well. Paul hadanother late nap and was up fairly late but he didn’t go on a hitting spree. It definitelyseems to have been about attention and so we’re working to make every Monday a family day andto spend lots of time as a family the rest of the week too. One of the fortunes that came upwhen I logged into linux yesterday said something like “Look closely at any problem andyou’ll find you’re part of the cause.” and I think more often than not that’s the casewith discipline. That’s definitely one of the cool things that Dr. Sears talks about in The Discipline Book and it’s been a helpful thing for us toremember throughout our lives as parents.

Okay, now I’m going to rant a little. I got anemail from a really cool person but at one point she said some negative things about herspouse, saying “He’s a good provider, though.” as if that absolved him fromeverything. I would feel really insulted if someone said that about me. It would be like mesaying “Bipsy has poor social skills. But she does have nice tits.” (…Now I’llpause while we can all be shocked that I said that - including me…). It just seems sosuperficial to me no matter what the spin is. I know this person who wrote me didn’t feelthis way but it still seems sort of predatory - like everything else is okay as long as hedoesn’t hit you or stop making good money. Again, I’m sure the person who said that to mewill read this and I don’t want her to think that that’s what I think she’s thinking. I’mjust ranting about society in general.

I think that “Men as provider” thing is really an example of the low expectationsthat our society puts on men and I think that many men take that to mean that that’s all thatthey’re capable of. That a good man is someone who brings in good money and that there are noother aspirations or qualifications necessary. Thus while women wind up with eating disorderstrying to fit some body image that is expected of them by society, men wind up with socialdisorders working crazy hours, sacrificing everything for work to fit an economic image put onthem by society. A friend of mine is a great example of this. He has been climbing thecorporate ladder for years and is at last report making well into the six figure rangein order to be the good provider of his childrens’ education, his and his wife’s retirement,his standard of living. And where does that get him otherwise? Travelling the country almostweekly, working late every night, rarely seeing his family (at least the last time I workedwith him - we haven’t been in touch much lately). And you know what? Just as women all overthe country are dying daily from anorexia and bulimia (or rather heart attacks frommalnutrition), men (and more and more women) throughout the country are dying from providerism(or rather heart attacks and strokes from overwork, and stress). Not only that, just asbulimia and anorexia end up making the sufferer a parody of the perfect body image - skinnybeyond belief, providerism makes the sufferer a parody of the ideal provider image who climbsthe ladder to new heights while popping tums by the roll (and who knows what other drugs). And what has society’s write-off of men as little more than providers done forme? Well, for one thing I am much more depressed when I’m not doing paying work (whether ornot we have money). I have a really hard time getting behind non-paying work that Icould be doing for my own enjoyment. And I still get excited about talking about mywork and what money it brings in despite not really being into it - i.e. it’s a living I dowell but I don’t feel enthusiastic about the work itself when I talk about it. Know what Imean? Fortunately for me this life I’ve chosen has become something like a treatment programfor me. And it helps to be surrounded by women who don’t care how much of a provider Iam or am not.

I guess that’s why I’m really not into having a sociallife with most of the men I know or meet. Because it very quickly turns into what a Kids in the Hall sketch has made me forever think of asbusiness card sniffing. Single male social discourse as I remember it was talking aboutstereotypical guy things: music, women, cars, etc. Married male social discourse is evenworse! It turns into a mutual back patting festival started by someone asking “So how’sbusiness.” I just want to answer “Who gives a shit?” (and I might even do itsomeday) Because at this point I am striving not to care so much (and having fairly goodsuccess) about work or business as long as we’re eating and comfortable and have what we needand some of what we want. And not only that it isn’t just my responsibility. Tell mesomething interesting about your life. I don’t care about your profit margin or localmarketing trends or what your possibilities for promotion are. Why? Because most people Iknow aren’t interested in what they do for work, they’re interested in either being agood provider at it or getting some sort of recognition for it (fame, power, etc.) and not foractually enjoying the work.

I think that many men are more invested in the“good provider” myth than most women are in the “good body” myth. I thinkthere’s as much if not more social stigma against a man who doesn’t “properlyprovide” as for an unattractive woman. And just as many men have taken on providing asidentity as women have taken their bodies as their identity. Both are forms ofobjectification and both are damaging to the potential of the object who buys into theobjectification.

So I tell you what, I’ll make you a deal. You don’t call me “A GoodProvider” and I won’t call you honey, babe, girl, sweet-cheeks, chick or whatever otherdemeaning word you choose.

But you can call me a good dad any time you like… ”

I realize now I had walked in my sleep towards the door.

Submitted entry: As I was typing the date I realized that it would havebeen my mom’s 52nd birthday today were she still alive. Well, it still is the 52ndanniversary of her birth and all just that she’s not around to celebrate. It’s odd toimagine. Further odd that if I am going to live as long as she did I’m more than half waythrough my life.

Yesterday I finished the firstmilestone of my current project - a 180+ page document (not all text, or course). I finishedat just about dusk last night and by the time I came back from emailing it my brain was mush.I don’t know what happened as I wasn’t working any harder than I ever did before. But Idefinitely finished up with a brain cramp.

When I got back Paul had just awakened from a reallylate nap and had already left to hang out with his granny. I heard them as I left the house,in fact, playing away. So when I got home I read some and spent a bit of time working on Elixir Farm with Sage. Well, as best as I could with abrain cramp. Mostly it was a silly time where I just made silly responses to her questionswhile she laughed at them.

When Paul got back things went pretty well for a whilewhile we hung out watching some AVI files of old Sesame Street segments (the animated”commercials” for letters and numbers) reading and having dinner. As it got later, though,things degenerated and he started hitting Sage trying to get a reaction. Several times wespoke to him “We don’t hit in this family” and the like, he eventually tired andnursed to sleep. Sage fell asleep nursing too and so I took a few minutes to catch up on myemail.

A few minutes later Sage woke up screaming “Letgo!” over and over again. I realized then that Paul had done something he only does whenhe’s really tired. He bit Sage’s nipple - and held on with a deathgrip. Finally I think shejust pulled it out and whimpered a bit. Then as I was comforting her she said “He’s sucha jerk.” The name calling really upset me (I didn’t realize she was half asleepand not really aware of what she was talking about). Anyway - I talked to her some about howI felt that it wasn’t okay to say that sort of thing and it degenerated into a “Whosefault is it that Paul is hitting” argument. It went on for a little while until wecomposed ourselves - we were both exhausted nutcases and so we weren’t the most productivearguers there were. Usually one of us can quickly nip a situation in the bud by having thepresence of mind to remain calm and maintain equanimity. However, after maybe ten minutes wetalked about when he’s hitting and narrowed it down to when it’s just the three of us - henever hits when it’s just us alone. And we realized from that that he was probably feelingleft out. We’ve never been very great at spending time as a threesome - usually it’s one ofus working, reading, cooking, doing chores or having other private time while the other hangsout with him. And admittedly we spend a lot of time as a threesome talking to each otherwhich I’m sure feels really crummy. So we resolved last night that we would change how we arewith him as a threesome and that today would also be a work-free family day. As in neither ofus works on the computer when he’s awake or around (right now he’s off with his granny). Sofar it’s worked swimmingly and the dynamic has been really different. He’s seemed morecheerful, calm and absolutely better behaved. Why didn’t we figure this out before? And ofcourse there’s the guilt that we didn’t do it sooner

Had a funny thing happen a couple of nights ago. Oneof the side effects of me staying up really late is that I can wake up, seem totally awakewhile speaking utter nonsense. One time in Bethlehem, I’m told (I have vague memories ofthis) that I came home from a 18 hour work day (I told you I was crazy in thosedays) and woke up at like 8:00 AM (like three hours after going to sleep) and told Sage aboutan experiment that Kitey (who was visiting at the time) and a friend of hers (alsovisiting) were performing on the porch. Sage was just tired enough to believe it a little andso we had a very confusing time as I crabbily explained to her about what they were doing intheir experiment.

Anyway - at one point in the night Sage (who wassleeping on the couch - Paul wants to nurse at night less when she’s not next to him) came tothe bed to nurse Paul who had awakened. I stumbled over to the couch (as there isn’t muchroom in the small futon for three now - we’ll have to get a bigger one someday if Paul doesn’twant his own bed first). A few hours later I woke up to pee outside and went to the door -all, I think, in my sleep. Because what I remember is a dream (that I didn’t realizewas a dream) that for some reason I had to hold up the yurt door which was removed from theyurt and sitting in the middle of the floor. I called Sage to help (panicking her - how wouldyou like to wake up to someone crying help?) because the door was extremely heavy and fallingtowards me. A few seconds later, after Sage asked what was wrong and I started to explain it,the magic of the dream was gone. I realize now that I had walked in my sleep to the door, andmy mind (with it’s internal compass sort of sense of direction) recalled getting up, walking afew paces to the right, turning right and taking a few more paces. That is what got me to thedoor walking from the couch. My sense of direction though is relative and as I had forgottenthat I had moved to the couch. From the bed that same path would have brought me to thecenter of the yurt. I think also that I may have been leaning on the door frame (when I’mreally tired my balance (Paul does too). And the pressure of my leaning on the doormay have been misinterpereted by my sleep-fuzzed mind as the pressure of the door falling onme.

That’s a helpful story for me to remember. InLiving the Mindful Life by Charles T. Tart (I think that’s where I’m remembering thisfrom) he talks about the waking mind and the dreaming mind. In general (except in instanceslike the above), as you dream your mind sends a signal to your muscles effectively paralyzingyou to prevent your flailing about as you dream - running from monsters, swinging your armsaround, whatever. In the daytime that safety is gone (of course). However many of us (mostof us I’d venture) live not in reality so much as a waking dreaming state of unmindfulness.Instead of perceiving the world and reacting to it, we perceive bits of reality, our mindfills in the rest with assumptions, predictions and other useless drivel and we react to that(nearly always incorrect) version of reality. In my heightened state of unmindfulness(mindlessness?) brought on by sleep I assumed that the direction I walked lead me to thecenter of the room and that the fact that I met a door there meant not that my assumptionswere incorrect but instead that there must be a door in the middle of the room falling on topof me. I think that happens a lot to me in my daily life of interpersonal relations. I makelots of assumptions about what peoples’ tone means (to the extent that I might even assume themere existence of a tone, what peoples’ motivations are, whatever. In reacting, Ireact not to the human being sitting across from me but to the fanciful creation of my mind.By employing one’s mind as a sort of bogus body language and intent translator you get intothe trouble that I saw once in a SNL skit from years ago. In it, the president and thepremier of the USSR were at a negotiation table. The president would say something and thetranslator would translate it to Russian (with english subtitles) and then you’d hear theRussian speak in Russian (with subtitles in english) and hear what the translator said. Itstarted out just fine but then as the talks progressed the translator started to modify thetranslations more and more outrageously. The president’s saying “I think that we shouldreduce nuclear proliferation throughout Europe.” would be translated into something like“I think I’d like to sleep with your daughter.” So that’s part of why I’ve beenreading lots about mindfulness and trying my best to practice it. Partly to help quiet themind but mostly to do my best to fire my translator.

How many of you need to fire your translators?

Five days until I turn 30.

Submitted entry: Not that I’m ever a one to care about agingor anything or be upset about it. Mostly I’m like Ben in Plan B by Jonathan Tropper. Putting on a “new” shirt and realizing it’ seven years old, or thinking of a 1985car as pretty new (in terms of used cars), Thinking of “The Simpsons” as a new show- just being generally caught off guard not so much by the fact that it’s the year 2000 andnot 1989 as I’m startled by the realization that Frankie Goes to Hollywood is now somethinglike classic pop.

Also startling is catching up with oldfriends from high school. I kept in relatively constant touch with two people from myschool. One who basically didn’t change in any major ways - no college, marriage or children,and another that did get married and have a child but I was in touch the whole time so itwasn’t shocking to notice. A year ago (or thereabouts) a friend got in touch who I lasttalked to in 1985. So it felt like one minute I knew her and she was a sophomore in highschool and the next she was a mom of a 9 year old. Another friend I recently got in touchwith for the first time since ‘86 is now a human rights investigator in Kosovo. Trippy, huh?I think it’s sort of startling too to have no transition between the two images.

The sun is just coming up this minute - Ican read the Alphasmart and pretty much the whole sky is a sort of peach color. The leavesare almost all off the trees now so we can see way farther in the woods. Also, happily, wecan see the mountain too which seems to be a sort of comforting presence until the leavesobscure it again next spring. Still not much need for a fire though - it’s still 70 degreedays and 55 degree nights.

I’m back on the late night train again.When the laptop was broken I stopped staying up late for a while but now I’m back into it -tweaking Linux to fit my needs. It’s a fun project made more fun by the fact that I have noreason for doing it but the fact that it’s there. No deadlines, nobody anxious to have itdone - just me tinkering away.

I’m just about finished with the firstmilestone of my writing project. Still about five to go, but it’s nice to be making progresslike this.

Paul’s doing well with the workingarrangement too - he just spends more time with Sage and his granny. And of course I oftenwork through his nap so that I can maximize our time together. I think we’re still figuringout the routine though. I still would like for Sage to be able to have 4 hours each day towork too - 2 1/2 hours from 6-8:30 am and another two later in the day but we haven’t quitefigured a reliable way to do the second bit. I think part of the difficulty with figuring outroutines has to do with the fact that we realize that we have so many options as to how tohandle it. With a “real” job you’re expected to show up 8-5 every day and youarrange your life accordingly or else. With our added flexibility we’re apt to try adifferent thing every day.

I read some of the journalcon entries of the other journalers who went lastnight. I have to say, too, that I’m pretty glad we didn’t go. No, it’s not just sour grapesthat we hadn’t the money to go (not much, anyway). More that (to use a really dated term)it’s not our scene, man. It was lots of big social groups and gatherings, big loud trips torestaurants and bars. And lots of it I imagined as sort of impersonal - like lots of peopletalking about superficial things like their career and where they shop and not much about whothey are. Though with journalers that may not have been the case. I was into that in myearly 20’s (the nearly 30′er says *grin*) but I am really much more into smaller gatherings ofpeople. Granted, most of the entries I read were by Emily which put them in the perspective of someone intheir early 20’s (the age I would have liked it, remember?). Maybe reading more of the olderparticipants’ entries would have helped. Though I read a few of Diane Paterson’s entries and still it seemedvery much a superficial social gathering to the point that Diane was in a frame of mind whereshe compared her outfit to Carolyn Burke’s. But thenshe’s from LA *grin* so we can forgive her that. I think that Diane’s entries, though made meglad to not have been there for different reasons. It seems like Diane spent a great timeconcerned with or just wondering what people were thinking of her (particularly while she wason stage). And frankly that’s a part of me that I hate. If I could wave a magic wandand magically never be concerned about what people thought of my clothes, hair or what I saidI’d do it in a New York minute. Living like this I can spend much of my time notworrying about it as I have my own life here. If someone doesn’t like it that I am wearingthe wrong outfit, haven’t showered in a few days or wasn’t perfectly articulate - screw ‘em.I’ve got my own thing that I’m on about here and secure in. But Journalcon for me would havebeen a place where I would have been constantly wondering what people think andcomparing myself to others just by the design of the forum. Not that I think that that’sinevitable there, just that I’m not able to leave behind the voice of comparison in thatsituation yet. But I’ll tell you this, living like this, with time to pay attention to whatI’m doing, to be mindful of my actions (and reactions!) has changed me dramatically in thatsense in only a year. I wonder what ten years will do.

And it’s not that I don’t like socialcontact. I’d probably love to meet most of the participants one on one someday or in a smalllow key group where we could actually talk. I just think that journalcon for me would be (andI’m assuming many participants) a chance to quote Ben Folds Five, “to do the best imitation ofmyself”. A chance to leave the real me behind and play the Hollywood screenwritten role ofmyself which seems so insincere.

So yeah, I think it’d be fun to meet some ofthe readers and other journalers as we travel or as they travel (we’re getting way lessparanoid, can you tell?) In fact it looks likely that we’ll meet a family we’ve known onlinefor like five years in our travels in January. When we go to the northeast I’d like to stopand visit several people too.

And on the subject of being less paranoid,I’m definitely going to get a picture of me up one of these days. I’m thinking of making agame out of it as most of you don’t know what I look like. Maybe get 3-4 other pictures of30something men in neutral surroundings (i.e. not the woods, not the office) and put them upand see if people can pick me out of the lineup so to speak. In fact, if any of you have some“decoy” pictures you’d like to send please send them on. When I get a few I’ll dothe contest.

Surprisingly, Paul’s still asleep - thoughhe’s stirring a little. I give him 5-20 minutes before he’s up. And that said I’d like toread some before he does wake.

In, out. In, out. In - just STAY IN!

Submitted entry: The leaves have almost completely fallen from the trees now and most of the ones still in the trees are brown and withered. Today the sky is grey (“All the trees are brown…and the sky is grey” *grin*) and if I were to guess as to the temperature outside just by looking I’d say somewhere around 45. But that’s just wishful thinking and this is the Ozarks after all where the weather gets changed more often than my clothes (which depending on how long it has been since we’ve done laundry, isn’t saying much!). So instead of a lovely 45 degree day or better yet a 30 degree day with a hint of coming snow we have 70 degrees but happily a bit of intermittent rain. Not enough to get most of the creeks flowing at all but the plants (and we) will take what we can get. Nights have been nice - middle 50’s. I don’t mind cold nights but it can be a pain tending the stove. I like a cozy fire in the evening and another in the morning but waking up at 3:00 AM to toss a log in the stove is something of a drag. Especially when that means that Habanero the cat gets awakened and wants to go out. Then five minutes later wants to go out with him. Then they repeat the process coming back in maybe 15 minutes later. Yes, as a matter of fact I do sleep better in the summer when we leave the door wide open all night and the cats can go as they please and the stove is stowed under the yurt. But I still wish we’d have a snowy winter - once or twice a week preferably. There’s nothing like snow, a wood fire and piano jazz to make a home (even one with fabric walls) cozy.

Work has started and is moving along nicely. I like using that part of my brain again reading blueprints and specifications, picturing the large water purification system I’m writing about in my head as I write a test plan for it. Oh, and the chunk of money that we will be getting for this work will be much appreciated too, of course.

Sage finally got her Missouri license today. Just a few days before her Pennsylvania one expired. Talk about cutting it close! When we lived in Pennsylvania she let her California one expire and had to take the written and driving test both and was several years in procrastinating before it happened. It wouldn’t have been so bad if that didn’t mean that I wound up having to do all the driving. Meaning, that I, who used to prefer sleeping in on the weekends (I’ve since traded my alarm clock for a 2 year old - he wakes me up better), would get in an argument with Sage at 9:00 on a Saturday morning when she was hoping to go somewhere and couldn’t drive on her own. We didn’t realize how wearing it all was for us until she did get her license and then she could just go when and where she pleased. And when I started working in town and took the bus she could even have the car all the time. That is, when I didn’t sleep too late for the bus and have to take the car anyway.

Despite the working, though, we have spent most of the last check (mostly to replace the orange juice spattered laptop) and are back to living on the cheap until a week from Friday when we get paid (and are once again “Moguls^TM”. For the time being though we’re having to be really creative in our cooking. Fortunately we’ve got tons of dried beans of different sorts, rice and spices.

Okay - and now Paul’s back and so I’m going to hang out with him while Sage works…

The Latest UPS Delivery in History

Submitted entry: Lately Paul has been waking at 6:00 AM or so and so today being able to write and have a coffee while he sleeps seems enormously decadent. It certainly changes the activity level here. When he wakes up I like to make breakfast for him so he’s not a big grump and also make myself coffee and pick up the yurt all at the same time so this feels like lounging around. Which, I suppose, it is.

In the latest UPS delivery in history (nearly 8:00 PM) the laptop arrived. I wasn’t sure who was home so I went running through the woods to get it then brought it back, put our hard drive in it and started it up. It worked perfectly. So lucky us - we got a nearly identical laptop (which means another battery, hard drive, CD-ROM and floppy not to mention a backup LCD panel in case this one dies for only $270. It’s nice being happy with 1997 technology!

I have my coffee buddy back! It’s really and truly “Decaffeinated Sage” now. For the longest time Sage wouldn’t drink decaf since she worried that it’d be a slippery slope back to regular coffee but she’s happy with it and even gets a psychological buzz from it (as do I which is good as I am only allowing myself one caffeinated coffee a day).

Lots more to say but I’ll end it here - Paul’s stirring. Yup he just woke up and in his grogginess said “Pee in armadillo” instead of his usual “Pee in potty/outside”