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The Sacred Herb

A stimulant acts like a stimulant. And if you could ingest enough caffeine, you could have a high like cocaine.
- Dalen Duitsman, university professor of public health

I don’t think this warning is going to work in quite the way Professor Duitsman was hoping it would.

Todd and Sage are playing online backgammon.

Sage If I have to hear pot referred to as the “sacred herb” one more time I may scream.

Todd Oh, christ. Hang on - I have to pee and get more of the sacred drink.

Sage Hee.

Todd You know - coffee’s bad for you, but drinking of the sacred bean furthers my spiritual development. So it is a good thing.

[Todd and Sage listen to a new agey song via Rhapsody.]

Todd I like this new age store. It smells a bit too much of incense though.

Sage I’m going to buy that cool cape over there.

Todd I’m going to get a psychic reading.

Sage Oooo, we should get this amethyst for Paul.

Todd Hey - click that button and try the other “Soundscapes” cd. Wait…how did we end up in Target?

Sage Too much of the sacred herb. We got confused and lost our way.

Todd Come - drink of the sacred bean. You will find clarity within. Honor the sacred bean, and you will be blessed with vision and motivation.

[The new agey song is over. Next up: “Wind Chimes” by the Beach Boys.]

Beach Boys
Hangin’ down from my window
Those are my wind chimes
Wind chimes
Wind chimes
In the late afternoon you’re
Hung up on wind chimes
Wind chimes
Wind chimes

Todd I hate the beeeach boyyyys.

Sage Wiiiiiiieeeeeend chiiiiiiiimes… We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of Mike Love’s wind chimes.

Beach Boys
Though it’s hard I try
Not to look at my wind chimes
Wind chimes
Wind chimes
Now and then a tear rolls on my cheek

Sage I think they were smoking the sacred herb.

Beach Boys
On a warm breeze the little bells
Tinklin’ wind chimes
Wind chimes
Wind chimes
Close your eyes and lean back
Listen to wind chimes
Wind chimes
Wind chimes

Todd Maybe the sacred blotter acid.

Beach Boys
It’s so peaceful
Close to a lullabye

Todd That’s definitely a case of the sacred herb providing more importance to things than they deserve. “Listen, Mike, I thought of this groovy song - it’s about wind chimes.”

Beach Boys
The wind chimes tinglin’
Tinglin’
Tinglin’
Tinglin’
The wind chimes tinglin’
Tinglin’
Tinglin’
Tinglin’
Da do do da do do da do do da do do

Todd “Wow - man. It’s just so full of emotion. Wind chimes - look - a tear is rolling down my cheek.”
Todd “Hey! We can use that. Good job, man!”

Beach Boys
Whisperin’ winds send my wind chimes a tinklin’
Whisperin’ winds send my wind chimes a tinklin’
Whisperin’ winds send my wind chimes a tinklin’
Whisperin’ winds send my wind chimes a tinklin’