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I bet the Protestants only get a 13 inch black and white.

As someone whose idea of a rectory was formed solely by reading Jane Austen books (in which they are described as bare, spartan cottages) I was tickled when I walked by the parish of Sacred Heart Church, only to see the resident priest lying back in an armchair watching the biggest big-screen tv in existence as it played what looked suspiciously like a Maybelline ad, which I don’t think they allow on the Catholic channel.

Despite my intention to spend the weekend going through closets throwing away anything we won’t need in Canada, answering Ask the Crackpot questions and hanging out on the forums while Paul played at Granny’s, I spent the weekend helping Kite take care of what seemed like hundreds of children (though the final count was more like five) and then going home and crying while begging the cats not to die.

On Thursday morning, Habanero stopped eating. By Thursday night he wasn’t drinking water either. Meanwhile, all Harriet wanted to do was sit under the table and whimper, while Shelly constantly slept and Karma swanned around the house looking like Ewan McGregor from Transpotting, all sunken eyes and losing weight even as I watched him. On Friday morning, Karma wanted to go outside. Thinking that was a good sign, I let him go, then spent the next day and a half looking for him.

By that time, none of the cats would eat at all - not even tuna - and I was beginning to worry that they’d somehow all contracted cytauxzoonosis. In the midst of an icy rain, Karma let out half a mew at the door before I tearfully ran outside, scooped him up, fed him wet food and pet him for the next three hours. Now whenever there’s a rainstorm, Karma will be at the door pleading to be let out.

Why not take them to the vet, you ask? Although they do not have the head of a two-headed calf mounted on their waiting room wall like the 97 year old vet we went to once in Pennsylvania, the vets around here are in business to keep farm animals alive until it’s time for them to be slaughtered. Being gentle or kind is not something that would ever occur to them. And really, why be gentle or kind to a cow that may be on your plate next Thursday? There are no two-headed calves, but there are deer heads and hunting trophies and bewildered looks in response to, “Could you handle my cat a little less roughly, please?”

Just after we moved to the Ozarks, we took Karma to the vet and were told he had cytauxzoonosis and needed to be “put down”. Then when Anita was on her very last legs as a result of the terrible flea “treatment”, the vet pumped her full of steroids, which only prolonged what was already a painful death.

So instead, I called an acupuncturist friend who cheerfully agreed to come over and give all of the cats a treatment. You have not seen funny until you have seen Shelly lying stretched out purring at top volume and kneading while she has pins stuck into her. Meanwhile, the cat who lives next door tried his damndest to open the screen door, trying to get to the acupuncturist. Even Habanero was completely still during his treatment. Harriet and Karma just have severe worms, which black walnut extract will take care of. Shelly and Habanero’s malady is a little more murky, but the treatment definitely helped.

After she’d left, the cats were perky and happy and I went out and bought all the fanciest wet food I could find. All the cats had some for dinner. So. Crisis averted. I can’t tell how how much I’m going to miss everyone here when we’re in Canada.

Sage There are no songs by the Beatles on Rhapsody because Paul McCartney isn’t rich enough yet. See? “McCartney is currently estimated at about $864,480,000 according to the Times’ ‘Rich List.’ McCartney earned close to $78,500,000 in 1999 alone.”

Todd Christ! He’s talented, but not THAT talented.

Sage He just had a kid with his trophy wife. That kid is going to have to marry Madonna’s kid, because that’s the only human being in the whole world it will be able to relate to.

Todd Right, and they’ll make fun of Michael Jackson’s kid together.