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Kalaleq’s Camel

Sage and Todd are playing online backgammon and listening to a Tori Amos song.

Todd Tori Amos - ego = (Susan Court)

Okay, so in my own defense, I had heard my Canadian friends complaining every once in awhile about how they couldn’t order a particular CD because that company wouldn’t ship to Canada. And I know that Rhapsody is only available in America. So I asked two Canadians, an Australian and a New Zealander (otherwise known as the Valentines):

So do y’all have limited net access, not living in the United States? I mean, when it comes to online ordering and stuff?

and Kalaleq replied as follows.

Well, once every two weeks I travel out into the desert on the back of my trusty camel, Abdul, until we reach the oasis. The oasis is located in the centre of Winnipeg, so it’s a bit of a trek, but that’s the nearest bit of real civilisation to the west coast. We’re lucky we have Winnipeg or we’d have to travel all the way to Montreal and that takes more than a week by camel!

At the oasis I’m able to stock up on water for my family for the coming two weeks. Poor Abdul complains but he is a strong camel and more than able to bear the load, and we all skip many baths to make his load lighter. While I’m at the oasis I can, if finances allow, rent time on an ancient pdp-11 (all that western Canada could afford) at cdn $78/hr (which actually cheaper than it sounds, don’t forget the exchange rate). From there I can connect to what we call Cannet, which is sort of a quiet backwater of the american-run internet, we can’t connect to anything directly but we are able to send these email things (at an extra surcharge of $59 per email) out and they eventually make their way onto the internet, I am told, after a few days of being reviewed by our censors.

Now I must return to my family. They are waiting for this precious water and if I do not return as quickly as Abdul will take me, they will become sickly and likely will be overrun by desert pirates. Unfortunately we cannot afford proper law enforcement here in Canada so life is a risky business here. Once I reach home I will drop off the water, eat a lovely dinner of rice or barley mush and some fresh dates, and then Abdul and I will begin the week-long trek to Winnipeg again for more water.

I hope this missive finds you in good health, and does not get stopped at the border by the internet police.

Kite was at my house when this email came in, and I read it to her. By the end, we were both laughing too hard to speak.

We know you’re in there!

For my next trick, I’ll use a phone with a cord attached to it.