Things I Hate

You will be shocked to learn that there are things I hate about Canada.

• The pizza is inedible. Imagine the worst mall pizza you ever had in your entire life, then multiply the grease by the soppy crust, add limp breadsticks, and you’ll have something approaching Canadian pizza. When I order pizza, I call Dominoes. I know. It’s that bad.
• Go to your kitchen. No, I’ll wait. Humm de dum dum. Are you out there? Can you hear me okay? Good. Open your fridge. Take out four sticks of butter. Stack them so that they form a square. What? No, you can’t have a piece of last night’s pizza while you’re out there. Pay attention. See the giant butter square? That’s the way they sell butter here. There is no dignity to be had while using the giant butter square. None.
• The scoldings that I get for not knowing the unwritten rules, the ones that are not referred to anywhere but the rule-maker’s head. Not THIS library checkout line, THAT one. Don’t take photos of the people rehearsing backstage at the CBC! Are your boots on? You cannot wear boots here.
• I used to read books about families that immigrated to the U.S. The children were always pissed off and wanted to go back to the Old Country, and the wife was always exhausted, spending her days doing endless loads of laundry in their cold-water tenament apartment. But the dad? The dad was the one running around, saying, “America! Justa look at this beootiful place! You need car? Getta job, work your way up, buy one! Everything better here! I never, ever go back.” I could never stand that dad. But Canada has turned me into him. What happened to the sarcastic, cynical, eye-rolling Sage, who stopped doing anything more than mouthing the pledge of allegiance in grade school? Immigration Dad has swallowed her up, and now when a group of people stand up in a room to sing O Canada, she mouths the words. But that’s because she knows if she actually tries to sing, her voice will break and tears will run down her face and everyone will look at her funny. (Don’t you know the rules? NO CRYING IN THIS ROOM.)