Entries

Forbidden Phrases

The photo that got away

A woman in her fifties, sitting alone in the subway car, wearing formal slacks and a fur jacket, avidly playing her Nintendo Gameboy.

Sage is at the Science Centre, next to a cave where lots of children are playing. A little boy with an orange nametag comes out of the cave, crying.

Sage Sweetie, where’s your teacher?

Boy cries

Sage, turns to other nametag kids Do you guys know where your teacher is?

Other Nametag Kid She’s over there.

Sage, relieved Oh, good. Your teacher’s coming, it’s okay. [wanders away]

Boy cries

Teacher screams What the fuck is it NOW? Jesus, I am goddamn sick of you. Shut up and stop crying!

Boy cries harder

Sage is speechless with rage

Five minutes later, the boy is sitting alone, still crying. A grandmotherly lady is asking him where his teacher is.

Sage Um, you might not want to find her. I did the same thing, and she just screamed at him.

Grandmotherly Lady My goodness! All right, then. Finding the teacher…not such a good idea after all, I guess.

Sage sighs No, not really.

Sage goes into the cave.

Teacher screams at all the orange nametag kids All right, dammit! You come the hell out of here, RIGHT THIS MINUTE! Do you HEAR me?

Sage, shaking by now Stop it!

Teacher WHAT?

Sage Just, just, stop SCREAMING at them! Jesus!

Teacher You don’t even have - [realizes I must have a child, as I am, after all, at the Science Museum in a cave] - these kids are my responsibility. [taps the word “Staff” on her tshirt]

Sage So stop screaming at them! My god, then maybe they’d actually be able to listen to you!

Teacher stomps off

After coming up completely empty last year in my search for long johns, last week I took Arlene’s advice and headed to the Mountain Equipment Co-op to buy them early. Unfortunately, all of the long johns were made of polyester.

Todd But polyester does keep you warm.

Sage No. It doesn’t. And even if it did, I don’t care. It’s yucky to have it right next to your skin all day.

Todd You know, 100% cotton isn’t all that.

Sage I’m waiting.

Todd For what?

Sage For an adjective.

Todd Hee!

Sage Like, “…great”, or “…comfortable”.

Todd Is this on the list of forbidden phrases?

Sage Yes. Right after “tastes like ass”.

Todd …that it’s cracked up to be.

Sage Thank you.

Paul And then, for my Halloween party in March? I’m going to have eat-able slime!

Sage Edible slime?

Paul Yes! It will be eat-able and all the kids will eaaaaaat it. It will be so gross!

Sage It’s edible.

Paul Edible?

Sage Yes. If you say “eat-able”, people will think you’re referring to an Oedipal complex.

Paul What’s that?

Sage It’s… [thinks: about this guy who accidentally killed his father and married his mother] when someone acts nuts.