Entries

2004

Producer Are we ready? Cats off the set, please. No, I don’t care how cute they are. Fade up to the Galactic Web Empire logo. Ten, nine, eight…

Sargie Lungwort Good morning. I’m Sargie Lungwort, intrepid reporter for the GWE News. Today we are going to take a look back at the Royal Family in the year 2004, the ups and downs and changes that have occurred in the past year. Join us for, “Escape to Canada”.

The first task of the year for the Royal Family is moving themselves and the castle contents up north, to the vastly more liberal Toronto. The car immediately develops severe problems, which the local mechanic miraculously fixes in the course of a day. The customs agent is unimpressed with their bumbling. After a scary moment during which another agent tells them the car is not on the list of allowed cars, he says, “Oopsie, here it is,” and lets them into the country. They unload their meagre belongings into the Ivory Tower and tentatively begin exploring the city. When water starts pouring out of the light fixtures in the lobby, they experience their first fire alarm. After the stomach flu, culture shock and fifteen days of sleeping on a thin cot (still, the Empress and Consort agree, preferable to the States) the rest of the castle hold arrives. And there is much rejoicing.

After riding on the public transit system, otherwise known as the TTC - buses, streetcars, subway trains - the Royal Family officially lets go of owning a car at all, feeling foolish for bringing the thing to Canada at all. The Crown Prince begins to learn about Canadian customs, and the Empress terrorizes nursery workers. Teenagers on the TTC are either tremendously sarcastic, or kind and generous.

Feeling sad for no reason, the Empress is much cheered by graffiti that reads, “I love you” on the window of a Burger King. Life in Toronto only gets better as the days go by, including a visit from two completely incongruous swans right on the shore of Lake Ontario. The Empress hates Canadian pizza. The Royal Family attend their very first protest, the Empress struggling to keep her composure while what seems like the entire city turns out in the freezing rain to shout, “NO MORE WAR!”

Commercial Make the TTC the kinder way! Please smile at people who are looking sad, remind others when they’ve dropped their belongings, and always offer children your seat. Join in on political conversations with strangers about the sad state of the States, give free rides and transfers to distraught teenagers, and sing a little song to entertain your fellow riders. Thank you, and have a good ride!

The Crown Prince briefly finds his real mama. A fellow homeschooling family comes to visit the Ivory Tower, and the Prince disappears with their son into his room for the duration of the trip. After they go back to the States, the Prince gets obsessed with Scooby Doo and learns about the power of advertising. The Empress and Consort surprise him with a visit from his Granny, Kite, and he promptly disappears into his room again for the next two weeks.

Following a tradition begun by his grandmother, the Prince reads every page of his children’s dictionary while he and the Empress are sick for what seems the entire month of May. They briefly recover, however, for a trip with a needy busdriver. The Royal Family makes fifteen hundred dollars, by dint of…well, not spending it, actually.

Habanero’s kidneys begin to fail. After some unpleasant false starts, the Empress and Crown Prince finally begin making some friends in the homeschooling community, and as a result discover a utopian hippie park. The Royal Family attends their first Pride Parade along with a million other people. Stephen Harper, the evil Conservative candidate for Canadian Prime Minister, is roundly beaten by the incumbent, because, as one moderately conservative person says, “We’d rather have a liar than that guy.” (Thank god, because it never snows in Costa Rica.)

The owners of the Ivory Tower inform the residents that any unlicensed cars must be taken out of the parking lot. After pretty much forgetting they owned a car at all, the Empress and Consort have to begin looking in earnest for someone who will take the car away. It has gathered a lot of dust in the intervening months since they stopped using it. The customs people inform them that they could not sell it, give it away, or even leave it at a dump in Canada. The car must be disposed of in the States. Finally they find a public radio station on the other side of the border that will take it away. A few days later, the family experiences their first Canada Day celebration. The Empress says goodbye to an old school acquaintance.

Commerical You were devastated by the election. You came to Canada, hoping to find a new home. You’ve tried Sbarros at the mall, independant pizza makers, Amato’s (Ready for some real pizza? Yeah, can you tell me where to find some?), Il Fornello, and even - in desperation - Pizza Hut. You’ve finally come to the conclusion there is nothing to compare to the American pizza you know and love. But…is that really true? Or is there a tiny place, Tessorro’s, hidden deep in the bowels of the Eglinton subway station, like the Phantom of the Opera without the music? Yes. You thought Canada was perfect save one thing - now you can rest assured, there is edible Canadian Pizza. Visit us, Monday through Saturday. Would you like one slice, or two?

The Empress misses Bill Clinton’s triumphant visit to Toronto, where he is treated like Rob Lowe (circa 1986) by his adoring fans. The Prince struggles with allergies and the Empress begins to think the Ivory Tower too aptly named. Kite comes for another visit. Habanero’s health takes a turn for the worse.

The Royal Family says goodbye to Habanero, who began letting go of the world in June. When the utopian hippie park goes broke, the Empress does nothing. The Consort is sent on a business trip to the States, where he marvels at the differences between the old home and the new. Houseguest comes to stay, and the entire crew attends their first ordination turns out to be unexpectedly affecting.

The Galactic Empire begins to gear up for the most important celebration of the year: Halloween. Sue the hamster makes her debut in the Ivory Tower, but is promptly and sadly eaten by the cats. The Empress talks politics with strangers and talks kittens with the Consort. The Prince goes trick-or-treating with his friends.

George W. Bush “wins” the election. The Empress cries for thirty days and thirty nights.

Commercial Kittens are cheering. Those tiny lions and tigers that roam the streets of the city, no matter what their age, will bring a smile to any face. Even a face that’s just watched fifty million people vote for a monster. (Or, you know, maybe it was only thirty million. We’ll never really know. Still. More than five people, which is scary enough.) You have a little room in your heart and your home. Visit your local shelter and adopt one of those purring sweethearts. Give an older cat a home, or foster an entire feline family. Because you’re going to need it, when the South secedes.

Though she has always been honest about Santa Claus with the Crown Prince, the Empress is a little less sure of herself when she spots him disguised in casual clothes, shopping in Chinatown during a photo hunt. The Royal Family invites Kite for a Solstice celebration, and though the Empress is ill-natured and ungrateful, she participates. One hundred fifty thousand people die after tsunamis hit Asia, putting things in perspective.

Sargie Lungwort Last year, we left the viewers with some hopes for 2004. A reasonable workload for the Consort, friends for the Empress, and a love of math for the Crown Prince. Have any of these hopes borne fruit?

Empress Oddly, yes. Todd’s workload has been absurdly small, compared with the past thirteen years. He’s taken vacation after vacation, and still has another two weeks to take off before April. He absolutely adores his job.

Sargie Lungwort And friends for you?

Empress I was nervous in the beginning - it seemed that the famous Canadian reserve (described by one Ozark friend as, “But they all have a giant stick up their butts!”) was hitting me full in the face every time I stepped out the apartment door. But as time went on, people began to seek me out. I made some really wonderful friends, who all seem to have children Paul gets along with well. Do you know how hard it is to find a mom I like whose children Paul likes too?

Sargie Lungwort Surely you’re not going to tell me he’s discovered a love for math.

Empress Well…not a love for math. That place will always be reserved for books. In the past week, however, he’s suddenly grasped counting by tens. I tried working with him on counting by tens back in February, and you’d think I was trying to explain Shakespeare. Now? He asks me to give him math problems while we’re on the bus. It seems all of the people who advised me to sit back and wait were exactly right.

Sargie Lungwort Come on. Are you just fu - messing with me? It can’t be that perfect. Surely you’re making this up.

Empress I’m not. I came to Canada expecting to have my illusions shattered, and instead I’ve just found new things to love about this country. You know, Todd’s new health card just arrived in the mail. He took out his old health card and compared the photos. His eyes are brighter in the new photo.

Sargie Lungwort, rolling her eyes Fine. Destroy my ratings. Moving on. What do you hope for in the year 2005?

Empress Good health for all of us. More houseguests, more often. Another mild summer. Better discipline (read: less laziness) on my part when it comes to homeschooling. To widen our circle of friends to include people who don’t homeschool, who speak English as a second language. Bush’s impeachment.

Sargie Lungwort It looks like we’re out of time. Empress, I’d like to thank you for joining us in the studio, and if you haven’t already donated to the relief efforts in Asia, we encourage you to, please, give what you can. Thank you.