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The Perfect Comeback

Submitted entry: Have you ever had that experience? The experience of thinking of the perfect comeback long after the moment has passed. My life has been punctuated by these moments. As it turns out, these moments aren’t always about thinking up insults or twisting the knife of irony in the heart of someone who hurt you. Sometimes you get good ideas that you wish you could go back and use.

Last night I was on the way home from work. I was going by subway which I don’t usually do so that I could go downtown to do a quick bit of grocery shopping and pick up a weekly transit pass on the way. I stopped at the ATM at the station and picked up $80, about half of that was destined for the pass, and the remainder was pocket money for the next little while. As I walked to the counter, I passed the food counter where what appeared to be a heated argument between the cashier and a 50-something eastern-european woman customer she was serving. Ever the voyeur, I pulled the earbuds from my ears in time to gather the fact that it seemed like the woman was haggling with the person behind the counter - or maybe asking for money. It was hard to say and I rushed off to the other counter where I bought my pass.

Having purchased the pass, I went to the subway station and took a minute to head for the Tim Hortons in the station where I could grab a muffin and refill my travel mug as I had been so sleepy on the bus that I considered riding the bus through its entire route, having a nap, and entering the subway a couple hours later. Having refilled my coffee and carrot muffin in hand, I headed down to the subway and was on my way. In minutes I had finished my muffin, was blissfully sipping my coffee, an umbilical cord connecting my ears to the comfort of my ipod. A couple stops in I looked up from my paper and there was the woman from the store looking at me with a note in her hand. I’m embarrassed to say that I only gave it a cursory glance: “No money…something something…two kids…blah blah…spare money…God bless you” I reached in my pocket to find some spare change but had little more than a few cents. I asked her to wait a moment and dug out my wallet and pulled a $5 bill and gave it to her. She thanked me and I put my headphones back on. A second later she hadn’t left and had said something. I took out my headphones again and asked her to repeat what she had said. “Can you give me more than $5?” Reflexively I responded “no…sorry.” She went on her way through the car and was summarily denied by everyone else in the car. At the next stop she moved down to the next car. and probably worked her way through the entire train.

As she walked away several thoughts went through my head. My first thought, embarrassingly enough, was one of “why isn’t she grateful - I gave her $5! And who knows what she’s really going to spend the money on.” As I thought more about it, though, I waffled back and forth - maybe I should’ve given her more - what I gave her would be recouped by the time I finished catching up on my email at work Monday morning. I gave her little more than I spent on coffee and a muffin without the slightest consideration. Thinking back I’m reminded very much of this song.

It took me another 4-5 stops to think of the answer that probably would’ve worked better. I could have offered to take her grocery shopping. The subway line I was on has at least three large grocery stores connected directly to the subway station. In fact, I was on that line instead of my usual bus route because I was planning on going grocery shopping myself. She’d have no worries about personal safety since the stores were only steps away from the train and I’d be sure the money went to her kids. Why didn’t I think of it earlier?

I think Buddhist psychology explains this phenomenon fairly well. Our minds walk the well-worn paths. If we are constantly thinking of ourselves and the standard urban responses - either to ignore or to give a bit of change and then feel self-satisfied then different ideas don’t come easily. We follow the path, get to the end, give the response and then move back to our ipods, our books or our staring out at the subway tunnel walls. I just need to slow down, get off autopilot and really think about what is happening around me. It is also difficult to be reminded of the existence of suffering in the world. It is also difficult to think of the existence of suffering that isn’t deserved. It is far easier imagine a drug problem, a drinking problem or even an abusive spouse the likes of which we’re too smart to end up with. So we make up 30 second stories in our mind about their being evicted from their apartment after selling all of their stuff to buy crack. Then we do what we can to end the encounter as quickly as possible lest we find out otherwise.

That’s something I admire about Paula - Paul’s namesake. In situations like I ran into she stops, she listens to what the people’s stories and literally does everything she can to help them. If she has it and they need it, she’ll give it to them and figure out what to do for herself later. Yes, it backfires on occasion and yes, she’s been taken advantage of. But at the same time she always knows she’s done everything she possibly can and has actually been present through it all instead of making up the fictional life-story, ignoring them, throwing a bit of money at them and then running back to the relative safety of a book. Her account of the same initial experience could well have read:

“So I met this woman on the subway who was about to be evicted from her house and she had two kids. She asked me for a bit of money and I looked in my wallet and only had $40 so I asked if she would mind taking just the $40 and if she had time she could come with me to the grocery store for a few things. We went grocery shopping and when we checked out I helped carry her things to her apartment. After that we looked at the apartment ads in the paper and found a place a bit cheaper. She had the money for the first month but not the deposit so we went to visit the landlord and I helped out with the deposit. The next week I drove over in my station wagon and we loaded it up with all of her things and helped her move to her new apartment.”

Of course it doesn’t always work out that well for her and has been known to ride an emotional rollercoaster as a result. But it is inspiring to see what she does nonetheless and know that somewhere between my reaction and her reaction there is very likely a happy medium.

Crows

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