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Thin Felt Costume
Santa Claus got on the subway car holding an umbrella. He was wearing a thin felt costume. Two drunk men got on at the next stop.
Drunk Guy 1 It’s…GILLIGAN!
Drunk Guy 2 If you haven’t been good, he’ll hit you in the head with that umbrella. Huh, huh, wont’cha?
Santa Claus just stood there, staring at the linolium floor of the subway car. He was the saddest Santa in the whole entire world.
Paul had the kind of barking cough that necessitates sleeping propped up on the couch. I dozed in the armchair (so comfortable and relaxing, I cannot tell you) going in and out of sleep. I suddenly sat bolt upright, startled - the brand new bright green VW bug I’d been sitting in, parked in the living room, had suddenly betrayed its presence by blatting a great big horn blast at three a.m., when I fell asleep at the wheel and hit the horn with my head. I had no idea how I was going to explain this to the neighbours.
Or, you know, maybe Paul was barking a cough or two and woke me up.
After I went on about the amazingness of the brain, and how in a dream you can stand on a streetcorner and watch an endless variety of cars go by, my mind decided in a fit of pique to provide exactly one car for my dreams: a bright green VW bug, new version. I don’t even like the new version. The last time, the car was so portable you could put it in a backpack and tote it around Toronto.
It’s like living inside an advertisement: The Bright Green VW Bug - so easy to use, you can keep it in a backpack or your living room.
Kids in the Hall was a brilliant sketch show filmed in Toronto from 1988 to 1995. Todd and I used to watch it religiously in the early ’90s, but it’s even more fun to rent the DVDs today and spend the entire time figuring out where each scene was filmed. (No, I know we’re the only people in the world who would find that fun. Don’t worry. We’re not going to invite you over for a watching party or anything.)
Every show was laugh out loud funny, but one sketch stood above the rest: Mr. Peterson.
A little boy finds a lost businessman wandering around his suburban neighbourhood. He’s scared and shaking, and the boy manages to coax him into his house. His begs his mother to keep Mr. Peterson, and she reluctantly says yes. But the businessman spends his days staring out the window, pining for downtown Toronto. Finally the mother tells the little boy that he must take Mr. Peterson back to his home, that it wouldn’t be fair to keep him in suburbia. The boy, crying, leads the businessman to Bay Street and says goodbye. After a little wave, Mr. Peterson runs over to another businessman and gives him his card and gets a card in return. They sniff each other’s cards and beam at each other, then go to the sidewalk and start calling for a taxi. Mr. Peterson is happy again.
Well, we recently saw Elder Peterson.
There are lots of Mormons in Toronto. They all look like they’re freshly graduated from an exclusive prep school in Connecticut. They all wear suits and a nametag with “Elder Lastname” embossed on the front. (I can’t take a nineteen year old boy with a nametag that says “elder” on it seriously. I simply cannot.) They teach English to people who speak Mandarin, and you can often see them speaking Mandarin earnestly to a person who is visibly wincing at the obvious butchering of the language. When a Mormon arrives in Toronto, they’re assigned a partner. They go everywhere with that partner. They even do laundry together. I know, because there are a few living in my building. They have to stay here for two years straight, communication with family and friends is limited to a few letters, and as a result they are deeply lonely.
But on Christmas Day Todd and I saw Elder Peterson get on a subway car all by himself. It was so odd, it was sort of like seeing a one armed man. And he was channelling Mr. Peterson. He was forlorn and lost and kept walking up to the windows (of the subway, you know, with a lovely view of the…dark) and walking away again. He finally found a Mandarin person to talk to, but it was half-hearted.
When we arrived home, we saw four Mormons leaping, concerned, on the bus.
Todd They’re going to rescue Elder Peterson!
Sage Nooo, they’re going to capture him. He was trying to escape.
We don’t have a lot of Mormons where we live, but the ones we do have are pretty active. Our city is also used quite often for Mormon missionary work, so we see them travelling in pairs on bicycles, going door-to-door with the Good News. We know when they are in the neighborhood because they lock their bikes to a street sign.
They are also the only people I regularly see who bike with ties on.
I once phoned Thue Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (the Mormons) to find out about one of the videos that they advertised on television (about family, of course). I had been mesmerized by Mormonism ever since The Osmonds (yes, I had a crush on Donny…and I thought Marie was very pretty).
Anyway, they wouldn’t just send me the free video via mail. They insisted that two missionaries deliver it. I told them that that would be fine but I told them that I was not interested in converting and so I didn’t want to waste the missionaries’ time.
About a week later I got a phone call to set up a time to come over. I explained to Elder Martinez that I was not interested in converting but he said that they would come and just explain their views. I wanted the video so I agreed. They were very nice, young men. Well groomed, very polite and determined that I would know everything about Mormonism that a non LSD could know (a lot of their rituals are secret).
After the initial two hour visit they insisted on coming back. I once again explained that I was not interested in converting but they said that it would make them happy to come and explain their philosophy to me. I agreed on the condition that they book a two hour time slot and stay for lunch.Young missionary men are prepared for their mission in many ways…but cooking for themselves is not one of the things they are trained in ( I was appalled to hear that they were living off of Mac and Cheese every day).
Anyway, this lasted for eight weeks. They came every week and ate and talked. They had a good time and so did my husband, year and a half old daughter and I. I found out I was pregnant with my second child just before their last visit and I told them. They were thrilled (they were sad that we weren’t converting though). I promised I would let them know when the baby was born. Eight months later I phoned the church asking for Elder Martinez and asked him to get in touch. They informed me that it was highly irregular that a missionary get in touch but they would passs along the word. He phoned a week later. He had about two weeks left of his mission and would phone when it was over.
A beautiful friendship started. We stayed in touch for a few years. He got married, moved to the states and started a family. Sadly, we have lost touch but I still think of him often. I may not have converted but I did find out that although I am of a different faith some of the views were the same. It was educational and sweet.