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Tiffany

I overheard a nineteen year old boy on his cellphone while riding the bus. This one is for Brenda Dayne of Cast On.

“I know that. You think I haven’t? I have – but – . . . I know . . . I know that, I kn – Tiffany, I have put thought into it, that’s the thing. I’m not saying you’re gonna be like this after 3 days. Okay? The problem is that I don’t know how long I’m gonna be like this for. And neither do you. You – . . . I’m not – . . . see, okay, that’s the thing, I – you know, like, okay – I know you’ve thought about this until, like, 12 hours a night every day since this happened. Okay? And so have I. Like, I’m – you have to understand – okay, you know, we both know that we wouldn’t do anything like this un-unless we knew it was the right thing to do. Like, I’m not thinking, I’m not thinking it, I’m not saying that I forgive my parents. . . you’re right, I know that you have some really good reasons. You know? The thing is, like, with those issues – like, my parents for example. You know? Like, you know we were always fighting but we got past it. The thing is, I could see us getting past it, And I could honestly feel us getting past it. And I knew that wasn’t going to be a problem for me, and you felt that wasn’t going to be a problem for me either. It was going to be a problem for you, like, and we both felt – it . . . ”

And then, Brenda, he went and waited at the door for the next stop, and I was so wildly curious I actually considered getting off as well, except he lived in a neighbourhood with a hundred houses and no people, and probably would have noticed me striding alongside, shouting, “Tiffany! Tiffany! Make him give me the phone! WHAT ARE YOU GUYS SO UPSET ABOUT? I MUST KNOW!”

I have this terrible habit of laughing at Todd when he has the flu. I have no idea why. I can’t even excuse it by labelling it “nervous laughter”, because it isn’t nervous. It’s actual belly-laughs.

I mean, I love the poor man. I just get the giggles when he throws up.

Todd came home early Friday, shaking with fever and saying, “Well, I sure got lots of room to myself on the subway.” It’s the second time in fourteen years he’s left work early on account of feeling sick, so I knew he must be feeling really awful. I tucked him in with two big blankets on the couch and brought him some water. But he was still cold, so I went to find him a hat. And I swear, the only hat in the entire house happened to be the purple jester hat with eight pointy bits with a little blue pom pom on the end. I brought it over and put it on Todd’s head.

Then I ran over to the stereo. “You have hear this audio story,” I said.

“No!” Todd whimpered. “It’s sad I know, it’s saaaaad.” Todd turns into a maudlin, weepy fool when he has the flu.

I really wanted him to hear it, so I put it on anyway. Two minutes in, he started sobbing on the couch. And I turned around and I saw him sobbing in his jaunty little jester hat with the pom poms shaking in time with his shoulders and I had to sit down, I was laughing so hard.

C’mon, it’s like those photos of the cats with things on their heads. You know it’s bad to laugh, but you kind of can’t help it.

Listen, I donate monthly to Childreach and the non-euthanizing Toronto Humane society. I don’t drink, I don’t smoke, I’m a teetotaller and I’ve never done drugs. I’m kind to children. Maybe this is my one spark of true evil.

Why is Woody Allen creepy?

Forklift